


The year I lost my soul.

by LucillaAurelius



Category: Gladiator (2000)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-04-13 03:01:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 31,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4505166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucillaAurelius/pseuds/LucillaAurelius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Year is 180 A.D and Marcus Aurelius had called his only natural daughter and son to the cold dark world of Germania. Lucilla knew what was coming, her father was old and dying. But she could never had imagined the horrors to which her brother would inflict on her and the ones she loved. </p><p>And why because he wanted power and love,  he wanted her love and there was nothing she could do about it.</p><p>(Disclamer, This is a working title and I am changing it all the time. I am sorry about this, Please bare with me, as this is a collection of little writings I have collected over 15 years. I am also a very bad dyslexic and I have to get my work proof read, sometimes this can not happen before I post, but i will change it as soon as I can. This work is not affiliated to the film in anyway just inspired by it.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Germania

The ride was long and hard and the cold hit me as soon as we crossed over into the realms of Germania, I hated to leave Rome and my Son but I could not ignore my fathers request. I pulled my fur cloak tight around me as Commodus came to sit down on my day bed in our wagon. For the entire journey he had schemed and plotted about how he would be Emperor, he knew our father was dying and could not wait to be named successor. I had put up with his constant talking for weeks, unable to escape the wagon as it rolled down the newly built roads. The wagon itself rumbled and swayed over the cobbles and I prayed for the day I could go back to civilisation. I played with a bunch of herbs trying to ignore my brother as he leaned in.

"He will name me." A smile crossed his handsome features. My brother Commodus the heir to the throne and nothing but a boy in my eyes. I noticed his day dreaming expression and smiled to myself. I loved him of course, he was my brother but at times I failed to understand him. Ever since I was fifteen I had been his only companion, our mother dying long before.

"The first thing I shall do," he smiled, "Is honour him with games worthy of his majesty."

I laughed and put down the herbs and yawned gently. "The first thing I shall do is have a hot bath."

Before I knew it I was in the camp, in the Royal pavilion, enjoying a bath. My father had been told of my arrival, but did not wish to see me. I thought he may have been weary but I was concerned. He had brought me all the way out here, to the edge of our known world, and yet refused to see me. I got out of the bath after an hour and dressed for dinner. I dined alone that night as the men celebrated the end of the war.

I looked around my lonely room, filled with carpets and thick silks, bust and lanterns. I picked at my food as I continued with a piece of embroidery for my son's birthday.

"He is here!" she cried and ran to my side to pull me towards the curtain.

I stood, left my needle work for my son reluctantly, and stopped short of my gentle lady, Flavia. My heart began beating out of my chest, my ears ringing with the sounds of men laughing. I took a step closer and gently moved the heavy silk curtain to one side with my hand. The softness of it made my fingers tingle. My breath caught in my throat and I believed my legs would give way. I could smell the stench of blood mixed with strong perfumes and incense. I was used to the smell but it stuck in my throat and made me swallow hard. My eyes roamed the room scanning faces and uniforms. So many men had helped my father win this war, they were all heroes in the eyes of the people and Rome. But I was looking for one, the General of the Felix Legions. I looked for his face but failed to find it. Then I heard my brother laugh, a short sharp laugh which took me back. It did not sound happy but forced like he was trying to make an impression. My brother Commodus, only  twenty eight, and already planning on how to be Emperor and making sure he had the support of the army and senate. He was not the youngest to want power by any means but he was mentally to young. I looked at the back of his head for a while worried about his ambitions. But then my brother turned and there He was standing all tall and proud, but yet looking like he wanted to leave the company of my brother. He was older, less tanned, the long war in Germania dulling his skin. His hair shorter than when he left all those years ago. 

I heard Flavia walk behind me, her silk dress making a brushing sound as she walked over the carpet. She whispered in my ear. "Nine years have changed him". I took her hand in mine as she stood behind me peering over my shoulder, not a common thing for a woman of my standing but Flavia had been a companion of mine since I was a child. She was my most trusted confidant. I trusted my life with hers. 

The men could not see me, it would have been deemed unsightly for a woman, no matter how high born to be seen in the company of so many men of lower standing than me. The only time I could mix with men was when my father or brother held a dinner party. Oh of course at my age I could hold a party myself but I was only ever allowed to host no more than five men at a time, and then they must have been all of my social standing. I tilted my head to one side as I watched the Generals hands. He would always rub them together when he was thinking and it would drive my father mad. My brother must had been boring him, I giggled gently to myself. I moved my eyes up to his face, his worried expression puzzling me, tired and drained as he moved away from my brother. The battle had left its mark on the bridge of his nose and I caught myself thinking about how handsome he had become. Even more so than before.

I closed my eyes and I remembered the first night we spent together all those years ago. I was barely eighteen and soon to be married to a man of my father's choosing. He was twenty five and leaving to campaign with my father, it was a cruel fate that the one thing that tied us together also ripped us apart. We had made love that night, I wanted to run to his room but Flavia and I had to sneak there, she stopped outside and I let myself in. His room was the only one with a door, my father had installed it informing me that that was the Spanish way. We had no doors on our bedrooms as that was the Roman way, but I was grateful this night for the privacy. He had no servants to dismiss either, claiming that people watching him sleep unnerved him. He would never been a true Roman noble I noted once. 

My own gentle lady posted herself as watch out at the door as I gently coughed to wake Maximus from his slumber. He woke with a start and pulled a sword from under his pillow and pointed at me. I did not flinch but instead gently, and slowly, took off my gown and let it slip to the floor. He put down the sword on the bed and slowly got up to walk over me, naked himself and glorious. "Love me" Was all I managed to say, he did not reply but pulled me hard to him and kissed me deeply. The heat from his body made my own skin flush and I wrapped my arms around him. He lifted me up and carried me to the bed and gently laid me down, I was terrified as it was my first time and although I knew what to do I had no idea what he liked. Maximus started to kiss my legs and work his way to my stomach. Then he caught the look on my face and stopped. "I know, mine too." He smiled and continued to kiss me. I had no idea he was a virgin, it was not common for a man of his standing. Most had had a woman or wife by sixteen. It made me feel special, this would be ours and ours alone. I wanted him for the rest of my life but I knew that was not possible. Suddenly he was facing me, my legs parted waiting for him to enter me. He held my face and kissed me deeply and then it happened. It was so gentle and slow, I felt no pain like I was told I would. I could just feel him and my hips responded our body entwined in love and passion for each other. We made love all night, but I knew I had to leave. I could not be caught in his room, even if they all knew what had happened. I left before morning to go back to my own room. I kissed him gently on the cheek and left, he moaned and turned over, not even realising I was going.  
  
I did not come down to say good bye when Maximus rode out with the army. That hurt him deeply, but I could not bear the thought of losing him. I stayed in my room and sobbed, the memories of the first of two nights we only ever had together flooding my mind.

Suddenly I opened my eyes and I heard myself whispering his name. The feeling of it on my lips dragging me out of my blissful but painful memories.

And all I could feel was my heart beating in my chest as if it would burst. I felt myself wishing he would look my way just once. And then I heard my father's voice.

"If only you had been born a man. What a Caesar you would have made"

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

After my father left me I sat on my own in the Imperial tent complex. It was vast but comfortable place and there was no guarantee that I would have seen my father again that night. The brazier I had sat next to crackled and I stared at it for a while lost in my own thoughts. The talk with my father had been long and full of stories of his time here in Germania. He has asked about Rome and my son Lucius but never once mentioned why I was here. I wanted to know what he meant when he said my brother would need me more than ever. It had struck an icy dagger through my heart. I feared what I thought to be true. My father would not be naming my brother as successor but handing Rome back to the people. I shook my head at the memories of our conversation. My father was never an easy man to love, in fact I barely knew him having been raised by the palace staff as my father expanded the Empire or locked himself away in his library. But I was troubled none the less, if my brother was not to be named successor I feared he would start a war to which the likes had never been seen. All my brother ever wanted was to have the peoples love and the throne. He wanted Rome and nothing would stop him. I leaned back in my chair and fiddled with the edging of my rich navy blue silk shawl. I looked down at the material and ran my hand over it, taking in the feeling of the luxurious fabric. Suddenly I was snapped out of my reverie as my brother stumbled drunkenly into the room accompanied by Senator Giaus.

“Leave me Giaus, I have had enough of your plots.” My brother laughed as he flopped himself down on the chair opposite me. He looked up and smiled, a sort of passion filled his eyes and I knew what was about to happen. My stomach flipped and I felt flushed.

“My beautiful sister, my sun. When I am emperor you shall be my Queen.” I waved my hand at Senator Giaus, to dismiss him and leaned forward staring at my brother, my voice soft but stern.

“Commodus you need to go to bed” He smiled at me and leaned in to get closer to me. He raised his hand a stroked my face. The light from the brazier dance across his handsome features making his eyes look like there were burning. I froze, he had always had an attachment to me which others had felt inappropriate. But I put it down to his need for love. But the older he got the more he saw me as just more than a sister and I felt my blood run cold when he would look at me with lust in his eyes.

The first time it had happened was on a dark cold night during a large storm. He had entered my bed chamber and climbed into my bed without permission. I had only been widowed for a few weeks and I had forgotten myself thinking it was my husband, Lucius Varus. I had turned over to hold the man I was married to but as my arm rested on the body of a man, I stopped. I forced myself to open my eyes only to have them fall upon my brother. My breath caught in my throat as I tried not to cry out with shock and I removed my hand quickly. I was naked in my bed and he was also, I could feel his warm skin against mine and it sickened me. All I could do was stare at Commodus, his dark watery eyes looking over my face, his black curly hair falling on my pillow as he leaned in to kiss me. He grabbed the arm I had just removed from his torso and pulled me in. I felt our lips touch, his body pressing hard against mine and it repulsed me, I tried to move away but I had gone into shock and I began to shake. I could never have imaged my brothers feelings for me but sadly incest was common in my bloody line. I loved my brother yes but not in any unnatural way. I finally managed to pull away and sat up slapping him hard across the face, he grabbed my hand and pulled himself up slapping me back hard in return. I did not move, I knew my place and I knew I had no power here, but Commodus did not continue he just started to cry and my body flooded with love for him. He did not know what he was doing, he was lonely and only twenty one, I was all he had left, all he had ever had. He was my charge and it was my duty to protect him and love him. My head twisted with all these thoughts, it was innocent, was I could tell myself. I wrapped my arm around him until he feel asleep. I woke in the morning to find him gone, and my heart sank for I knew this was the beginning of my fight for freedom. I had to be strong for my son, my only son, a baby, but the heir to the Aurelius throne, unless my brother married and had his own sons.

Suddenly my brothers sad slurred speech pulled me back into the present, away from a time only seven years previous.

“I saw him you know, I talked to Maximus,” Commodus smiled his lips inches from mine. His hand cupped my cheek as his fingers began to press into my skin.

“I can assure you he would not remember me. I am sure he has a wife and children” I smiled back trying to calm my brothers mind. I could tell he was trying to gauge my reaction. “Commodus it was a long time ago and we were children. I feel nothing for him”

“Yes, yes, of course” He replied his voice barely a whisper, his thoughts far away from this place. Commodus ran his thumb over my lips and suddenly released my face. My cheeks hurting from where he held me, I stood and walked over to a small table to pour myself a cup of wine.

“Lucilla tell me you love me and not him?” I tried to remain calm and steadied my hand as I brought the cup up to my lips to take a sip. After a short while I placed the cup down and turned to face my brother, my constitution resolved.

“I think nothing of him, now to bed brother it is almost dawn.” I calmly replied. I started to make my way to my own bed chamber when Commodus suddenly raised and grabbed my arm. I looked down at his hand where it as placed on my arm and then his face.

“Please brother I am tired.” He smiled a strange smile and turned his head to kiss my cheek.  
“Of course sister, sleep”. He released my arm and let me walk away. I tried to not show how much I was shaking. I did not turn when he called out to say he loved me. I just bowed my head to one side as I walked through the curtain.

As I reached my little room I rushed to my pillow to see if the dagger I had placed under it was still in its place. I felt the cool steel on my finger tips and breathed a sigh of relief. To kill my brother would be treason, but I could no longer trust that he would not take his obsession too far. I let Flavia undress me, I could tell she knew I was distressed, but she would never ask, she always let me tell her in my own time. She placed my hair in a gentle plat and dressed me in my heavy silk bed dress, her kind gentle hands working quickly so I was not exposed to the cold air for too long. It was so cold in Germania that to go naked would have been unthinkable. The bed was layered with furs and linens, a stark contrast to my bed at home which was cotton and silks, where I would sleep naked, the heat making it almost impossible not to. I placed myself under the covers as Flavia laid down on the floor next to me.

“No, tonight you sleep in my bed.” I stated in a tone colder than I had wanted.

“Domina?” She questioned her voice showing a hint of worry.

“Things are going to happen and I have no idea how to stop it, but one thing I cannot have is my brother coming to my bed ever again, do you understand?” Flavia nodded her head and climbed in next to me. She broke protocol once more and placed her arm around me. That gentle kind gesture reduced me to tears and I gently sobbed. My head swimming with thoughts of my brother and Maximus. I had to see him in the morrow no matter the consequences.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

I woke in the morning to be told by my servants that a cool frost had blanketed the whole camp. I looked around my small room and sighed at the thoughts in my head. My dreams had been disturbing and frightening, a possible glimpse of my future. A future where I would be my brother's wife and queen. My stomach flipped at the thought and a wave of nausea hit me. I took a deep breath and called for Flavia. She had already risen from the bed to get my warm wine, bread, cheese and figs ready so I could break my fast like she had done every morning for twenty years. Or so I had hoped. I brought my legs up to my chest as I sat in my bed and rested my chin on the top of my knees. I closed my eyes and muttered a small prayer for my son and father. I tried for my brother but the words caught in my throat and I opened my eyes to make sure I was alone before uttering the words no sister should have to say.

“Gods and ancestors hear my prayer. End my brother’s torment and take him into your grace so that he may find peace.” I muttered the words over and over rocking slightly, my mind a torrent of torment that I could think of the death of my brother.

“Domina?” My eyes snapped open and I turned my head in the direction of the voice. Standing there was my handmaiden, Flavia, and my heart almost jumped out of my chest.

“You do not speak of what you heard!” I snapped. I brought my legs down and swung them over the side of the bed. I shivered and Flavia rushed over to sit by my side. She passed me the cup of warm wine she was holding and gently tucked my hair behind my ear before resting her head on my shoulder.

“I will guard you with my life Domina. His highness has changed, I can see that. I will not let him get to you Domina.” Her words were gentle and soft and a single tear rolled down my cheek. I was tired and drained; her words and comforting ways brought me a little strength, and hope.

I drank my wine but ignored the food as I watched my confidante work silently around the room. She had already selected my outfit for the day and I smiled as she brought it over to the bed and laid the soft silks down beside me. I ran my hand over them and looked up at her.

“Where is my brother now?”

“He is out in the field training with his guard. They are scared of him you know. His skill with the sword is not natural. I saw him as I went to collect your post; he has stripped himself of all but his breeches and boots. The men muttered it was to show how powerful he is. They said it was not becoming; they say he has evoked the blessing of the gods and will use it to...” Flavia did not finish her sentence but just continued to lay out my clothes. She went over to my trunk and pulled out my cloak I had worn on my journey here.

“I think you will need this today. Maximus is with your father, you should wait for him.” I smiled at her suggestion and stood, placing the empty cup down on a small table beside my bed. Flavia walked back over to me, placed the cloak on a chair and nodded as she moved to take off my sleeping clothes. Quickly she dressed me and moved over to the dressing table to start getting my hair ready. I sat down in front of her and busied myself with perfumes and jewellery as she fixed my hair into a gentle bun, my curls falling softly as she placed two gold bands on my head. I looked up in the looking glass she was holding in front of me and smiled.

“That will do Flavia, I think I am preened enough.” Flavia put down the looking glass and placed her hand on my shoulder. “ What will you say to him when you see him?”

“I will say...I will ask him about my father. It has been too long an absence; I have no idea what I will say.” I was confused. I could not think what I would ask or say to the only man I had ever loved. Flavia bent down and kissed me on the cheek.

“You look every bit a queen and so beautiful.” My servant smiled at me as she took my hand to help me stand up. She led me to the chair holding my cloak. Gently, she picked it up and placed it around my shoulders. The cloak was heavy but warming; just what I needed to protect me from the cold air of Germaina. If only it could protect me from my brother. “Every bit a queen.” Her words struck me; I did not want to be a queen, not in the way my brother wanted it. I tried to answer but I could not and I just closed my eyes and tried to calm my breathing. I must be strong, I can not let Maximus see my fear or loneliness. I needed him and my father needed him.

”Be safe Domina.” She took hold of my hand and kissed it. I nodded and turned to leave.

“Flavia, a storm is coming and we are going to need strength. Pray to the gods and place an offering.” I left without her answer and stepped outside into the cool, dark Germaina air, the coolness hitting my face hard and I could feel my cheeks flush a little.

I looked around the courtyard, found myself wandering to the far side and walked to my father’s door. I waited outside, the Praetorian Guard nodding to acknowledge my presence but not speaking. I walked into the receiving antechamber and I could hear my father talking. Suddenly I heard Maximus, his deep, soft tones soothing my father but there was anxiety in his voice. I turned to leave and then I heard my father speak again.

“You're the Son I should have had...”

I stopped dead in my tracks as ice hit my heart and I knew Maximus would feel the same. This was not always the case and I remembered a time when my father almost had Maximus sold into slavery for daring to declare, at seventeen, that he would marry me. My father was close to beating Maximus, but I received the brunt of his anger and as we stood before my father, hand in hand, my father slapped me so hard I bit my lip and lost a tooth. A small price to pay for daring to go against my breeding and status. That was the only time I had ever seen my father lose his temper. Maximus was sent to the army, my father hoping the distance and training would provide him with another distraction. But it was not long before Maximus was allowed back into the palace, although my father ignored him for the next ten years. It changed their relationship forever. My father, who once doted on Maximus and provided him with everything he could ever want, would not even allow Maximus to dine with us.

I snapped out of my reverie when I heard a heavy footfall. I almost ran out of the tent and moved quickly to the other side of the courtyard and hid behind a wooden pillar helping to hold up the canvas of the structure. Flavia quickly ducked out of my tent and stood behind me.

“I saw you running, I thought trouble had found you.” I did not answer her as I watched the man I loved emerge from my father’s tent. He bent down and moved the leather straps behind his leg armour, muttering. I smiled a little and remembered the first time I had seen him in armour and how uncomfortable he had looked. Now it was like he was wearing a second skin. At that moment I was convinced I would make a move to talk to him, but I froze again as he stood and started to pace up and down; he brought his hand to his lips and I saw that it was wrapped in cloth and leather, injured perhaps. The light sparkled off of his jet black Spanish hair and I bit my lip trying to ignore the memories of me running my hand through it in times past. I took a step forward to reveal myself to him then; I could feel my heart beat out of my chest and I thought I would fail and run to him hoping for an embrace.

“My father favours you now.” I tried to smile but I knew my comment would be inflammatory. He turned and for a moment, the briefest moment, I saw in his eyes the desire to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss him. His striking blue eyes, so unusual for a Spaniard, locked onto mine and it took everything I had not to run to him; to feel his arms around me once again, his lips on mine. He looked tired and worn, but I could see his desire for me; I could almost feel it. But his face suddenly changed and his eyes became cold. This sudden change in his face stabbed me in the heart.

“My lady.” Maximus answered, as he bowed, in a flat voice but with a hint of emotion. At that moment, that exact moment, I knew I had lost him forever.


	4. Chapter 4

I watched Maximus walk away as I brought my hands up to my chest, in part in the hopes it would stop my heart beating out of my chest and in part offering a small prayer that he would turn around and forgive me. But that would never happen; I knew we were two very different people now from the children we left in Rome. When he had turned the corner and was out of my sight, Flavia ran to my side to grab my arm and lead me under the portico of my tent. I could feel myself shaking and I scolded myself for being so harsh and cynical. I had not meant to be so cold, but I had played games with men all my life as a way to survive, I just never thought I would do it with him. I vaguely remembered Flavia stroking my hand and muttering soft, kind words to me, as was her vocation, before I got angry and snapped it back.

“Stop it, please, no amount of platitudes will fix this you silly girl.” I bit my lip and tried to reach out to Flavia, but she took the stance of a slave and curtsied. “Yes, Domina. My apologies, Domina.” My heart broken twice over, I stormed out of the tent and down the path which Maximus had walked. I hoped I was not too late and that I would find him, but suddenly I was faced with a sight I had never seen before.

Thousands and thousands of tents stretched out before me in neat little rows for as far as my eyes could see. The vision of it was breathtaking and I could feel myself staring at the vista of it. Suddenly I was aware of a man standing beside me, his Imperial purple uniform glittering in the dull Germanian sun.

“Your highness, we must turn back, you cannot venture out there.” The tall Praetorian guard whispered. I looked him directly in the face and tried to smile.

“Take me to my brother.” I even shocked myself at the command.

“Domina, I have strict orders.” He was getting restless and I remarked in my mind how young he was for a Praetorian. A bought commission from a prominent family was my estimation.

“And I am telling you I want to see my brother.” I felt angry at everyone around me. Angry at the world I had to live in and conform to and angry that I could not ever tell Maximus how I felt. He was here in this camp and I could not even see him again.

I stormed off down the hill towards the sounds of sword fighting hoping that it was my brother. I did not care that I was ruining my clothes and shoes, which were not suitable for the muddy roads and paths the army had built. I could hear Flavia behind me discreetly trying to urge me to go back to my tent. I had no intention of listening to her, I needed to get out in the air and see for myself the person my brother had become; the real him, not the sly, charming boy I saw. As I slowed my pace a little I noticed the legion’s eyes on me. Most had never seen a high class lady before, let alone a member of the Royal household and the daughter of the Emperor. As I got closer to the sound of fighting I heard my brother scream in anger. I stopped dead in my tracks as my blood ran cold; when did hate fill his heart, when did he get so angry at the world? Did he know he would not be named? I took a step closer and down in the hollow was my brother and eight of his personal guard. I stood by a tree, obscured by the other guards watching. They had not even noticed I was standing behind them as they whispered to each other. My personal guard was about to notify them that I was there_ and I shot him a cold, hard look and shook my head. If I was to see how my brother treated the people and how they thought of him I would have to stay hidden.

Down below was my brother Commodus, heir to the throne, a boy of eighteen in my eyes and yet as I looked upon him I saw a man of twenty eight, not a boy; where had the time gone? Why was my brother so much older and yet so young in his thoughts and actions? He was stripped of all but his black breeches and boots; a colour he favoured over the Imperial purple. In his hand was his sword, a Gladius, the weapon favoured by the rank and file, and Gladiators. The games were almost an obsession for my brother when he was younger and he would talk for hours about his favourite of the month; it would drive Maximus and myself mad. But we both loved him and Maximus spent many an hour, when he returned from duty, sword fighting with my brother in the vast halls of our palace. One night after a hot summer’s evening, Maximus and I were sitting in the garden on the vast complex; I was reading and Maximus was polishing his armour, as was the way of soldiers. My brother, only ten at the time, came running in; Maximus was about to leave for campaign and my brother wanted to go with him, so had ordered armour be made for him. I remember smiling as I saw my little brother run over to Maximus with his amour, so proud. His little head of black curls bobbed up and down as he bounced on his toes showing off his amour. But the happiness did not last as Maximus tried to explain to Commodus that he could not go with them. My brother was heartbroken and ran off crying; I remembered going to try and comfort him but he refused to see me and I was sent away by his nurse, tears running down my face. 

I heard my brother scream again and it snapped me out of a time before. A Praetorian was on the ground and bleeding heavily from a wound on his side. I looked down towards the face of my brother and saw only darkness. I could not hear what my brother was saying, but the guards in front of me offered up all the information I needed without asking.

“Ha-ha, Cato deserved that, he knows better than to hit the Emperor like that.” The elder guard laughed passing the younger a small bag, which I could only have assumed was money.

I stumbled and almost fell to the ground; I knew the Praetorian Guard almost chose the Emperor, but I would never have imagined that they would have named him before my father had passed. I moved shakily towards Flavia and almost begged her to take me home. But I steadied myself before anyone noticed and we slowly walked back up the hill, towards warmth and safety. I needed to try and talk to Maximus again; I set myself that I would do it tonight; I needed to know what my father had said.


	5. Chapter 5

As I entered the tent I headed straight to a small table which held a jug of wine and glasses. I poured myself a glass and as I heard Flavia enter I drained it and poured another. I turned to her and looked her directly in the face.

“How long have they known?”

“Domina?” Flavia answered back trying to act innocent, her voice barely an audible whisper and full of emotion.

“Don't do that, I am no naive child. I know the servants and guards talk. How long has my brother been acting this way?” I walked towards her and she shrunk back as if my closeness would burn her.

“Domina, please!?” She held her hands up to her face and I stopped, realising I was about to strike her. I quickly turned and drained the glass again before slamming it down on the table, smashing it into pieces. I looked at the wreckage a while, trying to clear my mind. I did not even notice Flavia clearing the mess away and then taking my cloak off from around my shoulders.

“Domina?”

I moved to a seat by a brazier and slowly sat down shaking. My mind was a sea in a storm and I could not calm it. I thought of my son and his smile to try to calm my mind but it only caused me to think of how he had come to be conceived. I tried my hardest to shake from my mind the images, sounds and smells that filled my head at the thought of my son.

_I was one week from being married and I had had word that my father was going to return for the celebration and was only a few days from the gates of Rome. My marriage to Lucius Varis, had been arranged from the age of eighteen, but fortune had stalled the marriage as war broke out on the boarders and my betrothed was called to my fathers side as co-ruler. I had hoped that Varis would be killed in battle and after a period of mourning I could declare my love to Maximus once more. I ran through the halls of the Palace ordering the servants to hurry in their tasks; I wanted everything perfect as my father entered his household. I smiled at the thought of Commodus almost running into me when he also got word of our father’s return. Fully grown at the age of nineteen now, I was worried that our father would not recognise his only son. Commodus had been getting regular letters from our father, although after I had read one I considered them to be little more than teachings, but my brother hoarded them and read them over and over trying to commit them to memory. I smiled as I recalled how he jumped around me like a child and threw his arms about my neck pulling me in for an embrace._

_“Father is coming home!” He muttered into my neck before pulling away and grabbing my hands to swing me around in a circle. “Father is coming home and I can show him how much I have learnt. He will be so proud!” Those fateful words I recalled echoed in my mind, for it was not the joyous reunion my brother had hoped for._

_My father returned triumphant and regal; he swept into the Palace, his personal guards following all dressed in white. The whole household was told to greet him in the Palace throne room and my brother and I were to be first. We walked in and made our way through the grand hall full of columns, silks and people, my hand placed on top of my brother’s. His hand was shaking a little and I gave it a squeeze to calm him. Our father stepped down from the podium and kissed us both before exchanging pleasantries. I looked up as my father talked to Commodus and my eyes fell on a man all splendid in Cavalry armour. Our eyes locked and my heart skipped; there standing before me was Maximus, his eyes betrayed his feelings on seeing me and he cleared his throat and nodded his head smiling. My eyes then move to the man standing next to him and my eyes fell upon my betrothed and my heart became heavy._

_After the state dinner held in honour of my father’s return, the immediate family moved to our private quarters away from the Senators and prominent families. My father took Commodus to one side to discuss his studies, my brother looking crestfallen as all my father had done all night was berate him for failing to understand the four virtues. I moved over to a table holding wine and glasses, poured out two glasses and walked into the large open area we used as a private garden. The walls were painted with frescos of dancing maidens and gods, the red and gold of their clothes dancing in the candlelight. There, in a secluded area of the garden, stood Maximus. I knew he would be in our private meeting area. No one came here as it had no views and too much foliage, but it was perfect for clandestine meetings._

_“That armour suits you.” I raised the glass of wine and held it out to the man I loved as he turned to greet me with a smile._

_“I hear you are to be married next week.” His words hit me hard and I placed the glass in his hand and went to turn and leave._

_“Lucilla?” Maximus quickly grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him, I dropped my glass and he fell into a small pond. “I have not been in the presence of a woman of your grace in so long, I have forgotten how to speak. Forgive me?” He put his glass down on a small bench and moved to place his arm around my waist. He pulled me close and looked deep into my eyes._

_“It is good to see you again; I have missed your smile.” He leaned in to kiss me and my body ached for his touch once more. I pulled away; my breath heavy, tears running down my face, his taste still on my lips. Maximus brought up a thumb and gently wiped away the tears._

_“We must not, I am to be married. Lucius is a good man.” Maximus stepped back but kept hold of my hand. My eyes searched his face for signs of apprehension._

_“And so am I.” I looked at him in shock and pulled my hand from his._

_“Congratulations, I had not heard of any family here marrying.” Maximus could tell I was hurt, but we knew I had no right to be. We knew that marriage for us was impossible._

_“She is Spanish, a good family, I bought her a farm.” Maximus stated each fact without emotion, but I knew he would love her unconditionally; it was his way._

_I did not answer him and looked around the enclosed garden; I started to fiddle with my silk stola and made a move to walk away, suddenly feeling exposed._

_“You must excuse me Maximus, I am feeling tired; it has been a trying day.” I turned and only walked a few steps before I felt his hand on my shoulder. I stopped and placed my hand on his, gently stroking it. I turned my head a little and kissed his fingers, smiling._

_“I will come to you.” I took his comment as a flippant remark. Maximus, in all the years I had known him, had never broken a vow and I could not imagine he would cheat on his betrothed. I walked away and did not look back for I knew I would go back to him. I wanted us to talk like we used to but that time had passed and we were but strangers to each other now, the eight years apart changing us._

_As I lay on my silk sheets, I watched the curtains of my bed float in the breeze coming in from the large windows. I heard a footfall and sat up to look in the direction it came from; I expected to see my brother or my lady’s maid Flavia, but my breath caught in my throat as I saw Maximus standing beside my bed. He was dressed in his red army tunic and I noticed scars on his arms for the first time. I knelt up on the soft mattress of my grand bed and ran a finger down them. My body naked and facing him, I knew what I was doing would cause my disgrace if I was caught but I did not care. He moved to pull off his tunic and joined me on the bed; he did not touch me but just looked over my body like he was seeing me for the first time. I moved to be closer to him and sat down, our knees touching. Slowly, I ran my hand up his leg and then across his taut stomach and up across his chest. I stopped when I reached his left shoulder and noticed the SPQR tattooed on his arm, the sign of our world._

_“Did it hurt?” He shook his head at my question and brought his own hand up to stroke my face as I continued to take in his body. It had changed and for the better; it was hard, toned and battle worn but also soft and tanned._

_“I will not stop loving you,” he whispered as he leaned in to kiss me. As our lips touched, my heart exploded with the heat of passion. I parted my lips desperate to taste him as he ran his hand over my arm and down my breast._

_I gasped as his fingers moved down to between my legs, I knew he could feel my readiness for him as he pulled me to him and we fell sideways onto the bed. He laughed and kissed my forehead as he ran his hands down my leg grabbing my thigh and pulling it towards him, over his own hip. He moved his hand up from my thigh to brush my hair from my face and smiled. No words were needed that night and we continued our embrace in silence. Every move we made being slow yet filled with heated wanting, as if we were afraid of this ending before we had our fill. We woke in the morning to the sun streaming in through the windows, my head resting on his arm, our bodies still entwined. We made love again, only stopping when Flavia entered the room and pulled the covers off of us both._

_“Domina, your father requires your presence.” She looked at me sternly and I laughed. Maximus rolled over and tried to grab the covers from Flavia but she took a step back._

_“You are both acting like children, this must stop, please.” We stopped our laughter then and the cold light of the morning reminded us of our duty. At that moment I hated Flavia for bringing us back to reality, and ending our love making._

_“Leave us now!” I shouted in anger. I went to stand and pushed at my lady’s maid. Maximus went to grab me to calm me but I saw red. This was all I had ever wanted and she was destroying it by reminding me of my duty._

_“Get out of my sight!” I pushed her one last time and she turned and left. I sat back down on the edge of the bed and ran my fingers through the mess that was my hair. Maximus pulled himself up and went to sit behind me and kissed my shoulder._

_“You knew this would end.” He brushed my hair to one side and was about to kiss my neck, but I stood to face him._

_“I think you should go.” I tried to hide the hurt in my voice but I could feel it shake. I knew it would end, yes, but that did not mean I would not be upset about it._

_“Lucilla, do not do this.” He stood to face me, his eyes pleading._

_“Go to your wife, go to your farm, go back to your precious army, Legate.” I hit his chest, tears in my eyes. I was losing him again, but this time it was because of my actions, not those of my father. Maximus, as any Legate, could come back to Rome and try to start a political career; but why would he want to if I was pushing him away. I could not face the prospect of being able to see him whenever I wanted yet never be able to have him again._

_“Lucilla, stop this now.” I could sense anger in his voice and the hurt in his eyes was evident. He bunched up his fists and stood taller. “I love you.”_

_“You do not belong here, this life is not for you, I am not for you, I am promised to Lucius Varius.” I tried not to shout, but reason had been lost to me and only anger remained. I wanted to hurt him for destroying our little fantasy and for making love to me to only leave me again._

_“I do not love you.” I tried to stop myself from saying those last few words but it was too late. Maximus stepped towards me and grabbed my neck with his hand. His fingers dug into my skin and it hurt. I started to cry and grabbed at his arm hoping he would release me; for a moment I thought he would choke me._

_“You dare talk to me like that when you promised yourself to that man. You could not even wait for me. I would have risen to make myself worthy in the Emperor’s eyes so we could be together but you did not wait. Do not ever think you are better than me.” He hissed the last words and held my neck tighter. I gasped and scratched at his arm. Suddenly he released me and I dropped to the floor coughing. Flavia ran to my side and shouted at Maximus to leave; I watched him walk out of my bedroom for the last time as Flavia cradled my naked body._

_“Lucilla?” I heard my brother’s voice and snapped my head up to see him standing in front of me. “Why?” I could not answer him. My brother had seen our heated exchange; he must have known we had slept together. Dread filled my heart as I sobbed into Flavia’s arm._

_One week later I was married. Maximus was present at the ceremony and even passed a blessing on us during our procession. It cut me to the core and I felt my heart die that day when the time came to be carried to the bedding chamber to consummate the marriage. I looked towards Maximus, pleading; I only saw hate in his eyes and so I bedded my husband, performing my wifely duties._

_The army left the day after the festivities. I heard a few weeks later from my brother that Maximus had married and soon after left for Germania. It would take another seven years and my father dying to be in his presence again._

I needed to see him; I needed to know what my father had said, no matter what the cost.


	6. Chapter 6

I let Flavia undress me and place me into clean clothes. I desperately needed a bath but it would take too much time and I needed to see Maximus, before I was called to dinner and therefore banned from leaving my tent for the rest of the night. I tried to say something to her as she dressed me but my words failed and stuck in my throat. She had been with me through everything, she knew the danger but I had hurt her deeply. I swore I would never treat her as just one of my slaves and yet through my own desperation to have the man I loved notice me, I had done just that. I sent her off to find which tent was Maximus's as I ate a little to try to calm my stomach. She returned after what seemed a lifetime and handed me the directions to his tent on a little piece of parchment.

I went to leave and felt a hand on my own as I fiddled with my hair.

“Lucilla, I only ever wanted to keep you safe. I only ever wanted to serve you.”

I turned to Flavia and pulled her towards me and embraced her. Flavia was the only person I could ever trust and despite my actions and words she still wished to keep me safe in a world not meant for a woman. I was nothing but property. Powerful property who could control the senate if it was not for my brother, but property none the less. I let her go and nodded; she knew what to do if my brother came looking for me, no words were needed.

I left the tent and stepped out into the midday sun. I walked for the exit of the complex, the heat from the sun warming my skin; there was simplicity to Germania. It was a world apart from my home in Rome, a city of over a million people. This place smelt of rain, animals and death; it worried my soul, almost as if it was an omen. I looked up at the sky and prayed to Fortuna in the hope she would bring Maximus to me. I set off again after the short prayer, left the compound and turned the corner. I had not taken any more than two steps when I heard my brother’s voice behind me.

“Lucilla, what are you doing?”

I froze; I could not even turn to greet him in a proper manner. In my haste to see Maximus I had not taken into account my brother finishing his practice. His voice was soft and almost childlike, I heard him walk behind me and then I felt him turn me. I was too scared to even move and all I wanted was to run, run to the safety of Maximus.

“Lucilla, you look pale, you should not be out here, this is no place for a Queen.” He grabbed my arm and almost marched me back to the compound. I was dumbstruck and lost in my fear, so followed my brother obediently. As we entered my tent, my brother pushed me in first and Flavia stood to greet me, she shrunk back when she saw my brother. I saw her trying to reach for a fork I had left with my meal and I shook my head in the hope things would not end in the death of anyone.

“Sit, sister, you do not seem well.”

I did as I was commanded and sat, my brother came round to face me and knelt down, it was only then that I realised he was still topless. I looked over him in shock at his state of undress and cold dread filled my body. I tensed and gripped the arms of the chair as Commodus reached up and placed his hands on my knees. I could see Flavia take a step forward, saw the fork in her hand and looked down at my brother wondering if I should let her end his pain.

“Flavia, please could you heat some water for a bath. My brother requires it.” I had no idea where I found the strength to speak; I just knew I had to do something. Flavia curtsied and left. I had hoped it would make my brother stand and leave but he knelt up to unfasten my cloak. I wanted to call back my maid, terrified to be left alone with my brother, but I was paralysed. He gently stroked my face and smiled, he bent in and kissed my cheek, I could smell his sweat and it turned my stomach, making me remember when he tried to lay with me. I closed my eyes and tried to take deep breaths.

“Lucilla, I will talk to our father tonight, I will get him to officially name me.” He knelt back down and ran his hands down my legs and to my shoes. Ever so gently he unlaced them and pulled them off; he started to run his hands up the inside of my stola to take off my stockings but Flavia walked back in and he stopped suddenly and sat on the floor looking up at me.

“Brother, it is time for your bath.” I tried to regain my strength through my voice. I knew Commodus would do almost anything I asked if I said it forcefully enough.

“Join me?”

“No, brother.” I tried to keep reinforcing our relationship as siblings but I knew that one day that would not work.

“You are not to leave this tent.” His voice was calm and kind but the glint in his eyes proved otherwise. There was something sinister behind the dark pools, all innocence gone from the child I once knew.

I just nodded and smiled. He laughed a little as he stood, his signature when he was nervous, and he walked to the entrance of my tent and left without another word. I did not turn in my chair to watch him leave but when I knew he was gone I stood and walked quickly to my writing desk. As I sat down Flavia ran over to me and grabbed my hands.

“Domina, think of what you are doing. He knows, he knows you are trying to see Maximus. This is too dangerous. Please, in a few more days we will be home and all will be well.”

“What ever happens I have made sure you are to be freed upon my death.”

I was under no illusion I was to die. I knew it was going to happen. But was it to be sooner rather than later I could not say. 

“You die, I die Domina. I am your servant to the end and if you need it I will help you take your own life in honour of your father and then I will end my own.”

I just stared at her; I could not think straight, my head was still swimming, my body racked with emotional turmoil. I needed to reach Maximus to warn him, I needed him to not go against my brother for his own sake. I knew now that my father desired to give Rome back to the people and my brother sensed that, he was so desperate to rule that I was scared of what he might do.

I removed my hands from the writing desk and placed them on my lap, I sank back in the chair I was seated on and closed my eyes. Flavia took my hands in her own and gently stroked them; I heard her speak but her words were lost to me as my mind fell on thoughts of my son again. I missed his laugh and I knew that for him to be safe I had to protect myself and be by my brother’s side just like my father had asked of me.

I woke in my bed to hear commotion in my tent and opened my eyes to see my personal guard around my bed. They were all armed and it confused me, my personal guard should have never been armed in my chamber. I felt under my pillow for my knife and gripped it, if this was to be my end I would die fighting. 

“My lady, you must come with us, the Emperor has requested your presence.”

A wave of nausea flooded my body at those words. I knew at that moment my father was dead and by my brother’s hands, but how it came about I could not dare to think. I got up out of bed and Flavia placed a shawl around my shoulders, there was no time to dress and my hair fell around my shoulders wild and uncombed. Before I knew it I was being escorted across the compound to my father’s tent. As I entered I felt faint at the smell of frankincense and herbs being burnt and went to find a chair to sit, my emotions overwhelming my body, for those senses where the ones of death and I heard a priest chanting a prayer to the gods for my fathers safe passage. As I tried to collect my thoughts I felt a strong hand on my arm and looked up to see my brother. I stood to great him and bowed my head.

“Father is dead” There was no emotion in his voice, no hint of sadness or remorse. I had to be careful if only for the safety of my son. I let Commodus hold me a while before I pulled away.

“Let me see him, brother.” He smiled gently and it made goose bumps flush my flesh. He took my hand, it felt clammy in my own and he walked me around the grand bed where my father lay. His frail body was laid peacefully out on the silk sheets and I could have sworn he was just sleeping. I looked of him for a while and found myself thinking of how small he looked. All my life he seemed like a giant and now I knew it was the title of Emperor that had made him so. I went to kneel beside him but my brother grabbed my arm and pulled me to a corner of the tent as the sound of footfalls approached the entrance to the bedchamber.

“Maximus has been called for; we must see where his loyalties lie.” I had no desire to get involved in the politics of the Empire, all I wanted was to hold my father and beg him to return. I was no longer safe; I no longer had my father’s protection. I wanted the tent to burn and my brother with it. And so I stood my head bowed in mourning, a dutiful daughter, wife and sister, I had no say in my life now, my brother owned me and I knew he was not going to let me have the freedom my father once did. Now I had to do what Commodus told me. I could still try to influence him but for now I had to play the game to stay live for my son. 

Maximus swiftly walked into the bed chamber and threw a look in my direction; I sensed worry and anger in his eyes but I could not look at him, not any more. I quickly turned to stare at the floor. I could not bear to see him for fear of betraying my feelings. I needed him safe and well to protect my son and I. Commodus held out his hand to be kissed, a sign of allegiance to the Emperor but Maximus ignored my brother’s hand, and I knew at that moment our fates had been sealed. Maximus, with his pride and loyalty to my father had over ruled reason and he had signed his own death warrant, I could not bear the thought any longer and I stumbled a little feeling light-headed, Flavia held me up making sure I did not fall to the ground. I watched with tear filled eyes as Maximus bent down to my father and tenderly kissed his head, I let the mourning begin at that moment and was not ashamed to show my pain. I held out my hand as Maximus stood and confronted my brother, I had hoped he would turn to look at me, to take my hand, to realise my son was his and that he must take my brothers hand to protect us. I wanted him to take my brother’s hand, to declare his loyalty, even if it was a ruse to gain control at a later date, but Maximus a man of principle, pushed past my brother and left, without even glancing in my direction. Commodus just stood there staring at my father, his face fixed in an expression of disdain and childlike hurt. I made a move from my secluded corner and knelt down, I brushed the tears from my face and bent to kiss my father, he felt cold to my lips and it caused me to swallow hard at the nausea. I brushed his hair aside, out of his face fussing over the way he looked and whispered my love for him. Then without thinking I stood and faced my brother, hate filled my heart and I slapped him hard twice across the face. I then gently took his hand in mine, raised it to my lips and kissed it.

“Hail Caesar” was all I could say, no emotion in my voice betraying my feelings. Commodus just smiled and ran his fingers over my face. He grabbed my cheek and pulled me towards him, our lips touched and for what seemed like a lifetime my brother kissed me deeply. I could not move and waited until he had finished. In that moment any love I had for my brother died and I knew I now had to do anything I could to survive for my son, for the son Maximus and I had created. 

“To bed, sister, tomorrow we head back to Rome and you need your rest for the procession.” I turned to leave and Flavia took my arm to guide me back. I felt like my head was underwater. I could not hear or feel anything. I was numb and lost, I wanted Maximus to be safe but I knew he would be executed, he had after all committed treason. At that thought I collapsed to the ground and my world became blank.


	7. Chapter 7

I woke to the sounds of hushed whispering and frantic packing. I brought myself up on one arm and ran a hand over my eyes, trying to wake from the haze, my eyes struggling to focus in the gloom. My body felt like I was trying to move through a bath of honey and I had the sense of not being able to fully wake.

“Flavia...? Flavia” I called out, my voice husky, my throat sore. I leant over to pick up a glass of what I hoped was wine and slowly drank it, letting the soft fruity liquid soothe my burning throat.

“Domina, you are awake? I had hoped you would sleep until it was time to leave.” I looked up at my confidante and saw something in her eyes; a sorrow and terror lurking behind the dark brown halos.

“Maximus?”

“Domina, please do not say that name.”

“Flavia, please tell me” I started to panic, hoping that all I had witnessed a few hours before was nothing but a nightmare. My lady’s maid walked over to me and knelt by the bed; she took my hand and I saw her cheeks were wet with tears.

“This morning General Maximus was stripped of his rank and standing, he was walked until the sun rose, he knelt down to pray. When he was ready he was given a clean death, by our Emperor’s Praetorian guards.” I searched her face for signs she was lying, as it was easy to tell that my brother had told her what to say, her voice betrayed her, the words were too rehearsed. 

“I don't believe you!” I sat up and pushed her aside. She fell to the floor and sorrow flooded her face as I looked down at her.

“Please I would not lie to you; I am your loyal servant. Please, Domina, lay back down and rest.”

I suddenly found I could not speak and I felt my whole body tremble. It could not be true; my brother would not have had Maximus killed. He was a brother to Commodus; to kill him would have been ludicrous. I looked around the chamber trying to focus as my head began to swim. I looked down at the wine cup in my hand and brought it up to smell the wine. That's when I smelt the familiar tang of a sleeping agent I used on my brother countless times.

“Flavia, why?”

“I need to keep you safe, please lay down. You cannot help him now Domina, Maximus is dead; you need to think of Lucius.”

I could not reply and felt soft hands lay me down. I tried to call out for my now lost lover, to fight back at the heaviness of my body, but I could not and slowly I drifted off into a deep sleep.

I drifted in the dream world caught between memories of a life before, a life of happiness and laughter, to nightmares of seeing Maximus die. I could see his face and hear his voice as he uttered his prayer and then hear the sword enter his neck making him cough and gurgle, blood pouring out of his mouth. I wanted to scream, to run to him to stop the madness. But I felt strong hands on my arms and around my neck. I turned in my dream to see my brother smiling at me, watching the execution with a bloodlust in his eyes. His hand tight around my neck, his lips close to my ear uttering hurtful and terrifying words. I watched as Maximus fell face down onto the cold frozen forest floor. The tight grip around my neck disappeared and I ran to the body of my lover. I struggled to turn him over, his armour weighing him down, but once I had him on his back I cradled him sobbing, the blood pouring from him soaking into my clothing, making it stick to my skin. My brother appeared at my side also crying. He knelt down and kissed Maximus on the cheek. I tried to pull Maximus away from him, disgusted, but then I saw the look in my brother’s eyes; he was crying uncontrollably, muttering, asking why anyone would kill his brother. I screamed wanting to wake and suddenly I felt my body jolt and I woke sitting bolt upright clutching my chest as I began to sob.

“Domina, Domina, hush hush it is okay you are safe.” I felt my lady’s maid wipe my face and hold me until the sobbing subsided. I pulled away from her and looked around to see that we were in my boxed carriage alone.

“What happened?”

“I had to drug you, I was afraid you would try to find Maximus. I could not let you die too. You have been asleep for one day and one night. The Emperor carried you to your carriage and left us to ride ahead with the Cohort. We are leaving for home. I...I.. told the Emperor that the death of your father had caused you to have the vapours. He believed me; he seemed concerned for your health.”

Flavia reached over to take a glass in her hand and offered it to me. She smiled and nodded. I took a sip and began to cough at the cool water.

“I would not drug you again, Domina” Flavia smiled and tucked some stray hair behind my ear. “Please do not be angry with me.”

I patted her hand and leaned back on the pillows in my small cot. “You did what you had to. I am sorry you had to make that choice. I will make sure I never give you cause to do that again.”

“Domina, we need to be careful now, your brother has planned a grand procession. We will reach Roma and wait outside the gates for two days and then you will ride with him in a chariot up to the steps of the Curia where the house will meet you. Lucius will be waiting too.”

I sat up and looked directly at Flavia, hope flushed my heart. 

“He is safe?”

“Yes, Domina, rumours are about that Commodus will adopt him as his son. Please, Domina, do not be alarmed, this could keep him safe.” Flavia clearly saw the colour leave my face at the mention of the adoption of my son. It was normal in Roman families to adopt other’s children to be heirs, but I could not help but think my brother meant us to be a family unit and force me to marry him.

“Flavia, does my brother have his own carriage?”

“No, Domina.” I felt the sadness in her voice; it meant he would sleep in here with me, always watching, always by my side. My freedom died with Maximus.

I opened a little wooden door which barred me from the outside world. A soft gust of cold snow-laden air gently hit my face and I breathed in deeply. I watched the trees pass for a little while and felt a jolt as the carriage came to a halt. I tried to look out of the small window to see why and saw a horse pass to the back of the carriage. I closed the shutter of the window and pulled my cloak around myself. The door of the carriage opened and the snowy light filled the gloom causing me to cover my eyes.

“Good morning sister, I see you are finally recovered.” My brother entered the small enclosed space. He seemed taller than before and his face glowed. I could sense an air of omnipotent righteousness. He sat down opposite me smiling and picked at some dates on a table in front of him. He hit the top of the carriage and it started to roll down the road again. My brother sat back and stared into the gloom. After a little while he spoke in a cool hushed tone like he was trying to tell a story, his face lit up and he leaned in to get closer to me.

“We will have 100 days of games in honour of our father. Rome will be a hive of celebration and festivities.” He leaned back on his cot and continued to smile at me, his eyes roaming my body making me feel naked and exposed.

“Sounds wonderful, brother; Father would have been proud.” It was a lie, I knew my father hated the games, in fact he had freed more slaves than he watched die. Whenever the festivals for the gods came about my father would lock himself away in his library or would be on campaign. But I could not go against my brother or correct him anymore. I was completely under his control.

My brother continued to talk and plot our future, I nodded and agreed where I was required to but my mind and heart were still back in Germania. I wondered if they had left Maximus to rot, the birds pecking at his flesh, or if they had given him a proper cremation. I began to feel sick and dizzy and quickly sat up to drink some honey wine. My brother stopped talking and came quickly to my side. I froze with the cup still at my lips.

“Lucilla, you are shaking. I am sorry you have suffered so.” He did not move but sat on the edge of my cot. His hands sat in his lap and picked at the silk of his toga. I held the cup in my hand and ran a finger around the rim.

“Brother.... I”

I could not finish my sentence and Commodus lent in to kiss my cheek. For a small moment I was back to a happy time, a time when we were children playing and laughing. I reached out and held him, lost in a waking dream of a blissful time when my brother was aged five running through the halls of our palace. His laughter would make all the slaves and tutors smile, our mother would clap her hands and laugh with him. He was such a happy child and I was blessed to witness his happiness. We would spend nights with Maximus talking and playing games in the garden or trying to get Commodus to swear in Greek to irritate the tutors. Our mother would sit with us and just nod. She was a quiet woman but a loving one. It was she who brought Maximus into our home, the son of a Spanish Provincial Censor who was considered by my family to be in the highest esteem. How it came that my mother socialised with the family I do not know, but one day Maximus was introduced to our household and my brother instantly attached himself to the strange Spanish boy. Soon he became another sibling and we were inseparable. I was not tutored as much as my brother and as Maximus was older than us he had had all the schooling he required, so we spent our days talking. We also both liked to read and when my brother was engaged in learning, Maximus and I would recite poetry to each other and play kiss chase; within a year it felt like he had been with us all our lives. We would also terrorise my brother by playing hide and seek and jumping out on the small boy. We knew it was a childish thing, but we were just that: Children. Innocent children shielded from the horrors of the world. That year my mother died and all illusion of safety and eternal play came to an end; Commodus changed, lost in his thoughts and I became his world. He stopped laughing; I remember he just stopped laughing.

“I love you, Lucilla.” Something in his voice made me snap out of the dream and I pushed him away, suddenly afraid.

“Commodus, I am tired, I think I should rest.” He smiled and patted my knee before standing.

“Yes rest, sister, I want you looking glowing and motherly when we enter Rome. You will look glorious.”

He moved to his cot and picked up some papers. I lay down and watched as he read through the papers tutting and muttering as he went. I watched for a while until my eyes became heavy with sleep and I drifted off. Flashes of Maximus ran through my mind and the voice and laughter of my child. But I was not happy, I was not at peace, my dreams haunted me.

After a few weeks on the road we finally reached the gates of Rome and I opened the door of my carriage and smiled at the sight of the sun. I stood there for a while and let the sun soak into my skin. I was finally home but this was the start of my fight. Rome was a dangerous place and even more so when you were the sister of a hated Emperor. I just hoped the Games would help appease the mob, even if it meant Rome would starve. I was not involved in the politics of Rome but I knew a few Senators still loyal to my father. The letters they sent filled me with horror. Rome was starving, the grain reserves almost gone and the war in Germania had bankrupted the throne. Our only hope was to beg Egypt for grain and hope that it got to us before the games ended.


	8. Roma

The two days wait to enter the gates of Rome was painful to the extreme, all I wanted was to hold my Son, to stroke his face and keep him close. He was all I had left, all I had of Maximus and if I could placate my brother my son might, just might make it to the throne and give Rome back to the people like my father wanted. I tapped my foot on the surface of a small impluvium in front of me and tried to make the ripples reach the other end. I had been sitting in the atrium for most of the morning, I had taken a book to read in the hopes it would calm my mind, but I had not read a page and I watched the servants run back and fourth busy with there daily tasks and of course packing for our entry into the capitol. Lucius was only an hour away and yet my brother refused to let him come to me. Commodus wanted everything perfect for his grand arrival and he wanted me by his side as he entered Roma. A family, it was his design his idea of a family, me him and my son, but on his terms only.

I looked up when I heard a sudden sound and saw my ladies maid run into the Atrium from the back of the house, letters dropping on the floor from where she was holding them in her arms.

“Domina, my lady you have letters from Lucius. The Emperor told me to give them to you.” She almost skidded to a stop in front of me and handed the letters she had not dropped. Once I had hold of them she went back for the others and came to rest next to me on the bench, panting heavily from the running.

“Commodus gave you all of these personally?” I counted and found seven letters all from my son. Commodus had refused to let our household staff come to us, so all we had were the staff which accompanied us to Germaina. This meant that my ladies maid had almost become the house manager.

“Did he say anything?” I asked hoping my brother was still to busy planning to require an update on my comings and goings.

“No Domina. But he did ask that you joined him for his last supper here.” Flavia knew as well as I did that this was not a request but an order. I could not refuse my brother anything any more.

“Then we will join him.” Flavia nodded and fiddled with her stola looking around the Atrium, her kindly face lit up when the sun caught her skin and she smile broadly.

I opened each letter in turn and read the little notes my son had written about his day to day life. They were not long but clearly written with excitement and fervent haste. He talked of his schooling and the fact the palace was covered in flowers and new silks ready for our arrival and how his bed had been replaced and the room redecorated at my brothers wishes. Something I had not known about. He also described his displeasure about having to have his hair cut. He was what I lived for, he was and would always be my world and I had to do anything I could to keep him safe. I put the letters down on my lap and looked across to Flavia, my heart bursting with love for my son. She smiled back and gently patted my hand.

“Not long now Domina, Not long now.”

“I think it is time for our sexta hora, Flavia” We had reached Roma at the beginning of Summer and the city was getting hot and uncomfortable. We had entered Roma at the wrong time and should have been making our retreat to the hills, but my bother insisted on entering the city now. So the only way to last the day was to sleep from midday to the afternoon. I welcomed the sleep as I hoped every day I would see my now dead lover again.

Flavia stood and helped me to my feet, she placed her arm around my waist and rested her head on my shoulder as we walked to my room. Her closeness calmed me, I needed physical contact, I needed to know I was not alone in this world. I had lost my father and my lover in a matter of hours. It felt like I was losing my mind, the only constant was Flavia. She chatted away as we slowly walked through the vast house and I laughed at her little quips and stories about the servants. As we entered my bedroom the other servants bowed and left and Flavia made sure they had completed her tasks to perfection. The room was cool and I took a deep breath, and let my shoulder slump, I knew I had been tense of weeks and relished the though of being able to relax in my own bath once more. Gently Flavia undressed me and I stood naked on the cool marble floor, whilst she made ready my bed. Once she had finished preening and plumping I sat down on the soft mattress and ran my hand over the cool sheets. Flavia bent over me and took out my hairpins, gently let my curls fall round my shoulders and she played with them awhile before quickly kissing me on my cheek.

“Sleep well Domina, I shall sit by the door.” Flavia had since Germaina stayed awake to guard my door from my brother. Only twice he tried to enter since we had arrived and both times Flavia had convinced him my moon blood was in flow. Instead Flavia told me he sat on the floor in the door way and watched me sleep. I tried to think of why he would do such a thing, was he guarding me too? Or was I being naive and all he wanted was to enter my bed? Flavia gently pushed me to lay down and pulled the silk sheet up over my body, I shivered a little at the coolness and closed my eyes. Sleep came to me quickly that day and I suddenly found myself dreaming.

Seeing my son, watching him run around a small garden playing, I looked down and found myself kneeling on the floor my hands covered in mud, in front of me were herbs and small plants and I could feel a warming sun on my skin as I look up around my environment. I could smell Jasmine and Lavender, I could hear summer birds sing the songs of love and Lucius was laughing and running around a servant boy chasing him. Nothing about my surrounds made me uncomfortable, I just felt bliss and happiness. I stood and wiped my hands down my dress and suddenly stopped. I looked down to see I was wearing a very plain pink cotton dress with an apron, tied about my waist. I smiled and looked back up when I heard hoof falls approach. There on top of a bay horse wearing a plain brown tunic, plain riding boots and with a glorious tan was Maximus smiling down at me.

“Now there is my beautiful wife.” I curtsied and giggled.

“Husband you are always so kind. Now come down here and kiss your wife.” Maximus laughed and swung his leg over the horses neck and slid down. Quickly he grabbed me and lifted me up, tickling me. He stopped and let me down kissing me deeply. My breath caught in my throat and I held on to him tightly. Gently he pulled away and I desperately tried to make him kiss me more, but he laughed and held my face.

“Not in front of the boy. We need to talk about the harvest we will need more workers, the fields have taken well.” I looked over at our son and rested my head on Maximus chest, hearing his heart beat as I listened to him talk about our little farm, my hands making little circles on his back. He always said we needed to talk but I tended to just listen and then give him the money he needed. We didn't have much but it was everything we needed, my father having given me a small allowance each month to keep us safe. My brother continued the tradition when he gave Roma back to the people after my fathers death, but it was less than we had had before due my brother not being Emperor and only a senator, but it was still enough to help us grow our small farm. I held on tighter to Maximus as he stroked my hair which I wore lose and down around my shoulders, watching Lucius, Maximus sighing every time Lucius smiled at us. He loved our Son just as much as I did and it made me feel wonderful that I had given him a son to be proud of. After a long blissful while, Flavia my house maid came over and pushed us both and laughed.

“Go, go I shall watch over him.” I looked up at my husband and smiled.

“I think I know the perfect place for us to 'talk about the crops'.” I winked and took my husband by the hand and lead him back into the cool dark space of our house. It was not a big house but it was all we needed. I made my way through the house to the bedroom we shared right at the back by a walled garden. We did not speak, we did not have to, we had been married for eight years and not in a single day had we said a cross word or misunderstood each other. Even after Maximus retired from the army and we spent every day with each other. I stopped in the middle of our room and let go of Maximus hand, we had a ritual when he came out from the fields and it never changed. We loved ritual and normality, it made a change from the chaos of war and the Imperial palace we had left upon my fathers death a year ago.

I went over to a small wash bowl and lifted it gently and walked back over to Maximus bending down in front of him to place it on the floor. Next I walked over to a jug filled with water Flavia had warmed for us and placed it down on the floor next to the bowl. I then knelt down and poured the water in to the bowl, the small sponge in the bottom expanded and floated in the ripples. It had taken a long time for my husband to be comfortable with my kneeling in front of him, but I felt happy to wash him, it was a duty of a wife but one I enjoyed immensely even if I was an imperial princess by birth. Gently I took off his boots and washed his feet and bare legs, making sure to get off all the dirt and grime. After his legs were clean I silently stood and unbuckled the belt around his waist, I turned and placed it on a stool next to me; then I took his tunic in my hands and pulled it up over his head. I walked away from Maximus and placed the tunic in a basket for the next clothing wash. I could feel him watching me, and I smiled to myself as I knew he was enjoying the view. I walked back over to him and began to wash his naked body. Even though it had only been a year since he had left the army his body was still toned and hard, it pleased me to see him so strong, I felt protected and safe. Every day he practised his drills still, claiming it calmed his mind and helped him face the day, but I knew he did it to stay strong. Once a soldier always a soldier.

I ran the sponge over his torso and I could hear his breathing getting faster, I knew that my deliberate slow washing was making him excited. I knew exactly how to fire my husband passion for me, not that he need much encouragement. I brought the sponge lower down his body and wiped it round and down over his hip and the around over his lower back, making me step closer to him. I could feel his readiness for me against my leg and I ran a finger over his lips as I looked directly into his eyes.

“One day when I am old and grey I will remember moments like this.”

He did not rely but instead grabbed my body and pushed himself hard against me. I dropped the sponge letting it fall to the floor as my lips found my husbands. Even with our passions over flowing he kissed me softly but fully, his hunger for me evident. Gently he grabbed my Stola and untied the supporting ribbon, it fell to the floor with the Stola as Maximus pulled it off my shoulders. Without hesitation he ran his hands down over my body then down to my buttocks, his soft lips kissing my neck making me gasp. I ran my hands through his hair and gently pulled at it to bring his head in line with mine. I kissed him hard and he pushed me up against the wall next to me. I cried out as my back hit the cool plastered wall, and I could feel Maximus smile through the kisses, I breathed in deeply and smiled to myself at his earthy sent. He lifted my leg up over his hip and in one quick move placed his hands between my legs, he had no need to get me ready for him, I could feel my wetness. His fingers moved with gentle teasing as he circled entrance, I pushed my hips forward in reply and he slipped his fingers into my waiting center causing us both to moan with pleasure as my own hand moved to take hold of him. My hand worked expertly and with gentle strokes I made my husband moan with excitement. I bit his lip as my hand pulled at his member bringing him gently towards my waiting wetness. Suddenly he pushed me hard against the wall again and he entered me. One hand slapping the wall the other grasping my cocked leg, his nails digging into my flesh. I cried out in pleasure and held on tightly as I moved my hands up his back digging in my own nails, he moaned into my neck and thrusted harder making my back hit the wall. The ecstasy of pleasure and pain a fine line, and I pushed even harder against him urging him on, my cries of pleasure echoing around the room.

“Domina...” Suddenly I looked up from his neck wondering where the voice was coming from.

“Domina Wake up. Domina” I could feel myself rock and I cried out as the feeling of Maximus faded. I snapped awake and sat up suddenly, scaring Flavia who jumped back from the bed. I panted heavily and placed a hand upon my beating chest. I felt like my heart would burst out of my chest and I took deep breaths.

“Domina I am sorry but you were moaning loudly and tossing. I thought you might be having another nightmare. Domina I am sorry.” I waved a hand at her and muttered that I was okay. I could still feel Maximus inside me. How could a dream feel so real? How could my mind make be believe that it was real. I brought my legs round and sat on the edge of my bed and burst into tears. Flavia rushed to my side and sat quickly. She placed a gently hand over my naked shoulder and I lent into her sobbing. I had grown tired of crying but it was all I could do. The dream was so real, he felt so real. Flavia gently rubbed my back cooing at me to calm my sobbing. Eventually I stopped and she brought my head up and wiped away my tears.

“It was not a nightmare was it Domina?” I shook my head in rely. “Domina I am so sorry.” She had not known, she was again only protecting me. She held me a while and gently rocked me. A servant entered the room with the stola I was to wear at dinner. I could not even choose my own clothes any more. My brother making sure that everything I wore made me look like a painted goddess, I could not stand it but what was I to do? The servant did not look at my naked form but instead placed the clothes on the end of my bed and bowed backing out the room. Flavia stood and went to the wash bowl beside my bed, she picked up the sponge and brought it over, gently wiping my face and neck.

“Now calm and peace Domina. His highness must not see”. I nodded and stopped my lip from quivering. I took a deep breath and looked up at my confidante.

“Dress me.” She nodded and preceded to do as I asked. Once she had finished and gave me my looking glass to check over my make up and hair, I stood and walked out of the room. No other words were needed between us, I just held my head high and headed for the dining area.

I entered and my brother waved me over and I curtsied, a pain filling my heart. I lifted my head to look at my brother and he patted the long couch he was laid upon. I slowly walked towards him and sat down on the edge, close to his feet. I would not lay, he knew that.

“You look glorious dear sister. I had hoped you would become rested here. Tomorrow will be a trying day, we will bed early and wake at dawn. You shall ride with me as we enter the city.”. I nodded and picked at some baked dormice in front of me. I was still not hungry but wine alone was not going to sustain me.

My brother talked well into the evening, I listened with fained happiness at his plans and when it came time to retire I kissed him on the cheek and bid him a good night. He smiled quickly and sighed laying back down on the couch we had been sitting on. I walked quickly to my room and laid down on the bed, fully clothed. Flavia came over and took off my shoes but as she went to start undressing me but I waved her off. I was not going to sleep that night I had decided .

When dawn came I opened my eyes with surprise, it would seem that despite my protestations, sleep had consumed me, but Maximus did not come to me, instead I saw the body of my now dead father, my brother over him laughing at my distress. I pushed my self back up off the bed and ran a hand over my face, it felt damp and I wondered if I had be crying again. I walked over to a bath Flavia had prepared for me, she undressed me and I sank into the hot water and tried to relax my mind.

Before I knew it I was dressed again in white and gold, a flowing veil covered my hair and fell around my shoulders and back. The weather had turned and it become cold and dark, a thick cloud covered the sky and it looked like it would rain. Everything looked grey and daunting, not the sunny beautiful Roma I had expected. As we rode through the streets, my bother at my side I did not smile, I could hear the mob shout insults at us and the guards held them back, but it was hard to ignore the hatred. Rome was starving and now my brother planned to destroy a Roma he had so wanted to rule and could not see that through his burning desire for acceptance. We reached the steps of the Curia and the chariot stopped, my bother stepped off first and offered his hand to help me down. Thousands of solders stood before us in perfect lines and I felt intimated at the sight. I looked up at the top of the steps and my eyes fell on my son and I smiled deeply. My brother started to walk up the steep steps and I followed trying to look graceful whilst my heart beat wildly at the sight of my son. Half way up Lucius suddenly came running into my arms, I grabbed him and held him tight, he kissed my cheek and my heart burst with love.

“Mother I have missed you”. I could not answer for fear I would cry, instead I took his hand and walked him back up the steps in the wake of my brother. The air was tense and I could feel Commodus hatred for the people who had called out to him and the senators who greeted him. This did not bode well and I knew the Senate meeting we were about to have would be seen as an attack by my brother.

As we entered the building I knelt down to my son and stroked his face.

“Go with Flavia and I will be with you shortly I promise.” Lucius nodded and did as I ordered. He looked back at me as Flavia led him away but he turned and ran into my arms. I lifted him and held him tight. Soon I felt a hand fall on my shoulder.

“Let the boy go, we must entertain the Senate dear sister.”. I placed my son on the floor and bid him a farewell before following my brother into the senate house. An icy cold feeling flooded my body and I sat down next to a pillar, I pulled my veil close around my face trying to hide the sick feeling in my stomach as I watched my brother circle the center of the floor his sword drawn.

The room erupted in sound.

“Hail Caesar! All hail Caesar!”


	9. Chapter 9

The first Senate meeting with my brother had been a disastrous affair and my brother was on the verge of killing them all. The journey to the our Palace, the only home I had known had been tiring and as my brother stormed into his throne room, he almost threw off his gold laurel wreath. He struggled to take of his cloak which had adorned his white, brown and gold armour and I helped him as he continued to rage at me. That is when he turned to me and stated that it should just be himself, me and Roma. He wanted the Senate dissolved, to rule absolute and I feared he would try anything he could to get the power he craved, he just needed the backing of the army, something which he never had. I watched him pace shouting and waving his arms around like some sulking child. I tried to calm him by reminding him the ideals of Roma, the ideals we have learnt since we were children. I had no feelings on the matter, I knew the Senate should remain, they needed to be there to help build a republic once more, once my son came to the throne. I just had to wait and be the doting sister until it was time to strike; I had to be the adder in the grass. Once I had suitably calmed my brother I kissed him on the hand, he pulled me closer and stroked my face, slowly he leaned in closer but did not speak he just stared me. I received sickening flash backs of the time he entered my bed all those years ago and I froze. 

“I must see Lucius, brother he is waiting for me.” I quickly kissed Commodus on his cheek, I hoovered for a moment hoping he would change back into the boy I once knew. But he moved to hold my face in his hand and whispered in my ear. 

“Our family will be complete soon.” He kissed me gently on the lips and lingered longer than a sibling should. I pulled away and walked off not daring to stop but heard Commodus talk to himself, almost as if he was addressing a room. I wiped a single tear from my cheek and tried to shake the last thing he said to me from my mind.

As I quickly walked the halls of our vast palace I saw the slaves and servants I had come to know and they smiled at me welcoming me home. I stopped suddenly when I realised that one of the slaves was carrying one of my chests to a room I had never used, the wives room only a few steps from my brothers vast bedroom. I pushed off my veil from around my face and grabbed the slave by the shoulder. 

“What are you doing? My chests belong to the room at the end of the hall, where it has always been.” The slave dropped to the floor and begged for my forgiveness and I realised I was shouting at him. I was about to try and get a sensible answer out of the shaking slave when Flavia came rushing out the the room my chest was being taken into. 

“Domina, Domina please.” She took hold of my arm and guided me away from the slave I was staring at and that was when I realised none of the slaves where known to me, none but my Flavia. I thought I had know them but I was searching for a face I barely cared to notice all my life. I felt sick, I had been raised to be a Princess but that did not mean that I did not care. But I had become something I barely recognised. All these years, all the years since Maximus left me after our first night together I had locked my true self away and become a cold hard shell. A face and a voice not caring for anything but my son. 

“When did the household staff change?” I looked around the room built by my father for my mother. I had not been in it for years and I notice all my things were now placed here, even my bed. 

“Domina his highness freed all your fathers staff and brought in his own household.” 

Flavia stood back and let me drink in the room. Her face was pale and I notice she had been crying, it then dawned on me that her whole family had been freed; Left to a life of outside the palace, but never being able to see Flavia again. I thought I should comfort her in some way but the sick feeling I had tried to suppress finally made itself known fully and I ran to a wash bowl and brought up the wine I had drunk that morning to calm me. Flavia ran over and held all my silk shawls back. The last time she had to do that was when I was carrying Lucius in the first months. Once I had stopped I began to laugh through the tears, mainly out of shock but partly out of the image of me only 8 years before and Flavia clearly remembered too and began to laugh also through choking tears, resting her head against mine.

“Oh Domina this is not very lady like at all. Come come and I will wash your face,” I followed her to my couch and I sat down. Flavia took off my shawls and removed my veil. I welcomed the lack of clothing as the clouds had parted and the sun was in full bloom. Flavia ran to the other side of the large room and grabbed a cup and large jug and a wash cloth. Carefully running back over she sat next to me and poured out some water. 

“Drink and spit.” I did as I was told. I was in no mood to act the lady around Flavia right now. She had seen me at my best and worse and this, this was not new to her. I did what she asked and after I had finished washing out my mouth, I let her wash my face and neck. She was about to wash my feet when I heard a giggle. 

“Lucius it is rude to watch people without making yourself known!” I held out my arms and waited for my son to run into them. I grabbed him tight and swung him onto my lap and laughed as I struggled to lift him. 

“I think I need a word with cook, you are getting far too heavy.” I tickled my growing boy and buried my face in his hair kissing him all over. After a while I stop tickling him and just held him rocking back and fourth. I rested my chin on his head and tried to hold the flood back. I promised myself I would stop crying the moment I entered the palace. I would go back to being the cold stern woman I had before Germaina, the woman who destroyed a love with Maximus. Lucius pulled away from me and held my face in his small boy like hands. 

“Mother I have missed you too, but please do not cry, I have great news for you. Uncle has moved me next to you, I have been allowed to join the main household.” He kissed my cheek and laid back down into my embrace. Oh the innocence of youth was all I could think.

I tried to smile, but again fear struck my heart. Before Lucius was safe and kept separate from the Royal household. He had his own wing of the palace with his own staff. His tutors controlled every aspect of his life and I would spend anytime I could with him within reason, but at night I left him to his own life, as was the royal way. The only time he would enter the main house was on high days and festivities. But now, now he would be here all the time, where my brother would be able to have contact with him anytime he wanted. Of course I wanted my son close to me, more so now that ever before, but not within my brother reaches. 

I leaned back a little and smiled at my son. 

“How about we have a bath? Your poor old mother needs a good soak and oil.” Lucius jumped off my lap and clapped his hands. 

“Oh yes mother, I can show you how well I am swimming now.” It had been months since I last saw my son and the change in him was remarkable, it was turning into a man. Suddenly I saw a flash in his eyes and my breath caught in my throat and I clamp my hands to my chest as I saw Maximus in him. I quickly stood in the hopes he would not notice the colour leave my face. My son took my hand and lead me to our private bath house, Flavia walked beside us and telling my son wild tails for our time in Germaina, of wild barbarians and funny looking gods. Lucius laughed and skipped along and I found myself full of joy at his innocent and sweet nature. He would never know the horror of his father death, he would never know Maximus was his father. 

We entered the hot and humid bath house and yet I did not feel uncomfortable, I laughed as I saw Lucius run and dive into the bath fully clothed. Flavia screamed at him to get out, cursing and tutting at the fact he has just ruined his clothes. Lucius was showing off and just for me, and I could not chastise him, he was bringing me joy. I continued to laugh as he pulled funny faces as Flavia undressed him once he was naked he again jumped in to the bath and laughed calling for me to enter. When on route to Germaina I heard from Flavia that people remained dressed when bathing in the provinces, this concept confused me as with all Roman people you should bath naked, there was no shame in the naked form and it was common for royal families to bath naked together. The mob however had separate bath houses for there own protection and safety.

I watched Lucius swim up and down as Flavia undressed me, once all my clothes had been removed I slowly entered the warm water, letting the warmth calm my body and mind, once I was fully submerged I walked to one of the seating areas built into the bath and as I sat Lucius swam to me. 

“So mother how am I doing?” 

“Very well,very well indeed. I do hope your drill practice is coming on as well.” Lucius gave a boyish chuckle and swam to sit next to me. 

“Yes mother, I will be a great soldier just like my father.” I nodded and smiled, knowing he meant Lucius Varis, my father's best friend, General, co ruler now deceased and not his true father Maximus, now dead General of the Felix Legions. I reached out and stroked my son's face. 

“Your father would have been proud of you, now show me your best swim stroke.” My son obliged me and pushed off playing in the water. I watched him for the longest time, never tiring of his smile and laughter. We talked politics and about our ancestors, for such a young boy his mind was full of promise and diligent learning, I was very proud of him and knew once he came to the throne he would see my father's vision for Roma as being the right one. After a while of talking about the tribes of Germaina which he had learnt by heart he asked after his grandfather and I realised no one had told him of his passing. I broke it as well as I could telling Lucius he had passed in his sleep, knowing later I would have to tell him the truth. My son burst into tears and I grabbed him pulling him towards me the water between us splashing my face, I had to figured I would grab hold of my son with such force but I was overwhelmed with feelings for him. I had not thought my fathers death would trouble my son so until Lucius through his choking tears told me my father wrote to him every day, and had so wanted to meet him, I had had no idea and I felt a pang of jealous for my son as I had not heard from my father directly in years. 

I suddenly heard my fathers words enter my mind once more. “If only you had been born a man....” I held my son gently and soon his tears subsided and he kissed my cheek and swam off. For all his intelligence and diligence, he was still a boy, a boy who needed protection. But soon it was time to leave the baths for our sexta hora. Lucius protested of course as boys his age did. His uncle was the same at his age, never wanting to rest and sleep, always wanting to play and explore. 

After we had been oiled and dried by the palace slaves we were dressed in light clothing and walked back to our new quarters. My brother was no where to be found and the slaves could not answer for his whereabouts. I held on to my son's hand tightly and he looked at me puzzled. 

“Mother are you unwell?” I looked down at the boy and tried to smile. 

“No Lucius but just very tired. Come why don't you rest with me this day.” 

He smiled a broad smile that lit up his face and ran into my room, jumping on my bed. I walked in after him and climbed on to the vast expanse of silks and laid down. Lucius rolled and rolled until he was next to me and wrapped his arms around me. Quickly despite saying he was not tired he fell into a deep sleep. I watched him for a while, noting all his features, trying to make comparisons with Maximus features. I could hear Flavia busying herself around my room, unpacking my things and I waved my hand indicating for her to stop. She walked gently over to the door way I was facing and sat in her now normal position and guarded me. I looked back down at my son and noted his eyes where the same, the same deep dark Spanish brown and the nose was the same shape. The rest well that was my family, a light olive skin with freckles covering his cheeks and nose and light brown hair after my mother and me. He whimpered a little in his sleep and I panicked not knowing what to do but he soon turned over and rested, suddenly I realised I had never seen my own son sleep before. He was taken from me the day I had birthed him to be brought up by a wet nurse and then given his own household on his fifth birthday. I had had very little involvement in his upbringing and yet here he was still wanting me to be close to him. He snuffled a little and I ran a gentle hand over his face, brushing away from one his stray hair. Clearly he had won the hair cut argument and it was flowing well over his ears. I smiled to myself and gently placed my arm over him and fell slowly into a deep sleep myself.


	10. Chapter 10

My dreams had all become a mixture of Maximus, happiness and then death and pain. I would no longer control their path and every time I closed my eyes I never knew if I would see him again, happy and loving or witness his death over and over. The way Flavia had describe his execution chilled me but I knew it was not all the truth and my mind had made up various scenarios. Each one causing me to cry out, waking in a cold sweat, tears streaming down my face. This time once again I dreamt of a happy time, it was almost as if I was in a half sleep and I could feel my son next to me, feel his breathing on my chest and the warmth of his skin next to mine.

_Suddenly my mind wondered and I looked out beyond a vista of an early sky of Roma. I felt shorter and younger and looked down at my clothes and saw I was still but a maid. My breast where small and my hair was worn long and around my shoulders, I was maybe no older than ten. I took a deep breath and the air smelt sweet and young. The sun was hardly over the city and the birds sang a sweet song, I looked up from the city and then around the terrace in front of me, vines and sweet smelling flowers overflowed the soft sandy coloured stonework and little birds came and went drinking the nectar. I turned from the beautiful sight to see my mother resting on her breakfast couch. She looked frail and old and I walked over to her and sat down on my own couch._

_“Mother you need to eat.” I could hear the pleading in my own voice, I was not in control of this dream and I knew I was but a visitor on a memory I had long forgotten._

_“Annia, please stop fussing I am fine it is just a cold. Go find Maximus and enjoy this day, remember you promised to spend it with him. Be kind to him my child.” I bulked at the use of my given name and knew my mother wanted to be left alone. I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek before I stood and left._

_Gently I walked from the terrace and fiddled with my long hair, wrapping it around and around my finger as I thought over my mothers words. “Be kind to him, be kind to him, Annia Lucilla, be kind.” I spoke the words softly and mumbled to myself as I continued to wonder the vast halls. Suddenly I came to a very sudden and very painful halt as I hit a fleshy solid mass._

_“Lucilla must you always walk into me?” I looked up to see Maximus smiling down at me as I rubbed my head and arm. Despite our age difference I almost came up to his shoulder and I wondered if he would ever grow to be as tall as my father. I giggled and held out my hand._

_“I can not help it. I love you too much and my soul will always try to find yours. We shall never be parted for long” He picked me up and kissed me gently on the cheek._

_“Come Lucilla I have a surprise for you, no giggling please, You must be all grown up now”. His sing song Spanish accent sounded soft and calm. As I was gently placed back on the floor I held Maximus hand and followed him to a small garden right at the back of the palace, I had had no idea it existed as it was in the part of the palace reserved for my brother and the boy standing before me. I should not have been in there, but my father was away and my brother was at his schooling, mother was sick and my serving girl was running errands. No one would tell._

_“I wanted to ask you something Lucilla, please sit”. I smiled at Maximus impeccable manners, it was not always so and I could tell he was trying. I sat on a beautifully laid out blanket with a range of pillows and light foods and pulled him down with me. Maximus was dressed in a light blue silk tunic with plain sandals and wore a plain brown leather belt about his waist. He was always plain I thought in my child like manner. I crossed my legs and smiled sweetly at the boy of seventeen before me, no not a boy but a man, a man who would one day be my husband. I could only hope, but I knew my childlike teasing of him cause issue with us. No matter how much I tried however I could not stop being childlike, other girls of my age from the great houses where all so grown up and already married or soon to be. I would be an old maid at eleven I knew it. I suddenly looked at his youthful face, his hair long and falling around his ears in soft black curls and wondered if he even like me, he looked down and started to fill some cups with watered wine. Mother said I was to be kind to him, did he think I dislike him? I suddenly flushed and stood._

_“Lucilla? What is wrong?” Maximus stood and grabbed my hand, I looked down at the touch and became engrossed at noting how small my hands looked in his, also at how rough his were. I never felt that before and realised he had begun riding every day and not just on the brief occasions that he was allowed to do before. He may not have realised but I knew my father was preparing him for the army, just like he had done with Lucius Varis, my fathers most trusted friend. I ran my fingers over his palms and heard my voice, but felt like I had no control._

_“Maximus I am sorry if you feel ill of me, I do not mean to tease you, I am still a child I know that, but I know my heart. I pray to the gods before I sleep and at the temple for answers to grow faster, I make sacrifices and offerings... Maximus do you believe in the gods?” I looked up at his face and saw he was smiling and I dropped his fingers confused by his reaction. All of a sudden the garden sounded loud and claustrophobic. I could smell all the flowers and heard all the birds sing._

_“For a child you seem very grown to me.” He lifted me up and span quickly on his feet. I laughed and held out my hands. Slowly he came to a stop and he let me down to the ground. He held my arms and stood away from me._

_“I pray to the gods to keep you safe. I pray to them that you will be my wife and bless us with a happy home.” I was dumb struck and slowly slid back down to the blanket and I leaned back in the pillows, grabbing the wine cup and downing it in one. I had no idea why I had done it, but I had seen my mother do it when ever my father proclaimed he would be leaving._

_“Lucilla I love you, I know we are but children and I have no idea what your father has planned for me. But I want you to be my wife.” I had not even noticed that he had seated himself next to me and was brushing my cheek._

_“I thought I angered you too much”. I reached out and ran a hand down his face like I had seen others do and he responded by take my hand and kissing my palm._

_“You Annia Lucilla Aurelius, will always irritate me. We will never see eye to eye on so many things and our fights will be held with passion and love. But I would not have it any other way. You are not like the other girls. You are not submissive, or plain. You engage in conversation and make me speak when I feel I have no words. You argue with me on matters of philosophy and politics. You are wise and strong beyond your years and I will always love your smile and laughter. As soon as your father is home I will beg for audience and I will ask for your hand. Your mother already knows of my plans...” Suddenly Maximus stopped talking as I giggled._

_“I do believe that is the most you have ever said to me when not reading out loud.” I lent in to be closer to him and ran my fingers over his lips and then back across his cheek._

_“Never stop laughing Lucllia.” Maximus lend in and ever so softly kissed my lips. I felt awkward and clumsy, but I also felt grown and lady like. Without warning Maximus pulled away from me and cried out._

_“For the love of the Gods Commodus do you have to pull on my hair so hard.” My brother, a little fat ball of laughter and smiles had only just turned four. Seven years younger than me, as I was in a few months from eleven years._

_“Yuck” was all the little boy said and he climbed over Maximus kicking him in the face with a bare foot as he did so. My brother next in line to the throne and but a babe. But what a beautiful child, small and fat with black curly hair and a rosy complexion, he looked like my father I noted as he beamed at me trying to reach my arms. Maximus grabbed my brother by the leg and pulled at him. Quickly and without missing a beat Maximus rolled over on to his back taking my brother with him, holding him aloft. My brother laughed and made to grab Maximus but he would never reach. I laughed heartily and rolled onto my side and rested my head on his chest, tormenting my now laughing brother. We both loved to hear him giggle and laugh this way. There was such innocence to it, and it brought joy to our lives._

_“Down down” My brother cried through laughter and Maximus finally relented and placed Commodus down on his stomach. The little brother I loved so dearly was growing and growing fast and I stroked his hair and hummed his favourite tune as he sucked his thumb, his other hand grabbing at Maximus tunic and he softly fell asleep. Maximus sighed and placed his hands behind his head and looked up at the sky. I looked up at his face and moved my head a little so I could kiss his cheek._

_“See we will be the best parents and have a large happy family full of sons, your father will agree I know it.” I did not answer him and only closed my eyes listening to his heart beat and the soft breathing of my baby brother._

“Mother, Mother wake, wake”. I took a deep breath and moaned a little as I slowly opened my eyes. I could feel little hands shaking me and I blinked rapidly.

“Mother, mother please” I turned my head to see my son smiling at me as he placed one hand on my cheek and leaned in to kiss me.

“Mother I want to show you my writing” I just smiled and went to hold him for a while. He smelt sweet and warm.

“Ok go to my desk and write the first page of your grandfathers mediations. I believe you know them by heart.” The little boy smiled and bounced off the bed running to the desk. He immediately sat down and begun writing. I sighed at the look of concentration on his face and turned on to my side to be able to watch him.

Flavia came over and fiddled with my hair which had become lose from my sleep and brushed down my silk dress fussing. I waved her off, just wanting to watch my son in peace. I could hear her going to her chair in the corner of the room and sitting. Soon I could hear her soft snores as she fell asleep. I did not mind, I had other slaves and she needed rest, it was plain that her guarding me of a night was taking its toll on her. I brought my arm up and rested my head upon it so I could see Lucius better. He turned his head as he went to dip his quill and I saw how he stuck out his tongue when concentrating. Maximus would do the same, his tongue just barely past his lips. It lifted my heart a little, I may have lost my lover but I had his son, that was all that mattered for now. Lucius turned his head again and all I saw was the back of his head. I could hear the rhythmic scratching of the quill on parchment and I closed my eyes, feeling tired once more. I breathed deeply and wriggled a little to get comfortable. I then felt hands on my leg that move up to my hip, I waved it off thinking it was Flavia. But the hand rested on my hip and I felt someone sit down on the bed behind me. The hand on my hip rested heavy and in my half sleeping state I went to wave it off, still thinking it was Flavia. When my hand landed on the hand on my hip and snapped my eyes open, I felt a seal ring the sign of the divine power and I knew with a heavy heart that it was my brother. I went to turn to face him, but the hand on my hip squeezed me hard and I stopped moving. My heart quickened and I waited for him to say something, but no words came. I then felt a hand run over my hair and the weight on my bed shifted as my brother went to lay down next to me. He placed his hand over my waist and brought it up to hold my arm resting on the silk sheets. I could feel his heart beating fast against my back and I swallowed hard to hold back the bile rising in my throat. My brother shifted gently and I felt him rest his head on my pillow, his breath on my hair making goosebumps pimple my flesh. His hand resting on my arm moved to cup my hand at my chest and he brushed against my breast. I felt him stop and linger and I prayed he would not continue, but instead his hand went to hold mine tightly.

We laid like that for what seemed like an eternity, until I heard the voice of my son declaring he had finished.

“Mother I have finished.” I watched my son turn and his face flushed with confusion when he saw the male arm around me. I quickly tried to think of something to say and I could feel my brother push harder against my back.

“Look brother, Lucius has taken it upon himself to show his writing skills”. I felt my brother shift and look up over my shoulder.

“Lucius yes lets see.” I looked pleading at my son to come over to the bed hoping that that would make my brother sit. I was right and as soon as my son came over to the bed my brother sat, still behind me but he sat and I let out a sigh of relief.

As my brother and son talked about his work I saw Flavia walk into view. She was trying to look as though she was busy tidying my things whilst keeping a constant eye on me. Her face looked shocked and I could tell that she was blaming herself for letting her guard down.

Suddenly without warning I felt a strong hand grasp my arm, so much so I let out a little cry and the force pulled me upwards so that I was seated. I was pulled off the bed and I thankfully managed to find my feet before I fell over. I saw Flavia run to grab my son and I discreetly shook my head to stop her coming for me. My brother started to pull me out of the room and all I could hear was silence until my brothers' hurt voice echoed in the room.

“Come Sister” He hissed. “We need to talk.”

I had no time to comfort my son and I hoped Flavia would say something to him. I turned to look to see the hurt on his face and I then forced myself to look at my brother. His face was dark and brooding, his eyes wet with tears. It was now clear that my son talking about his grandfather had upset my brother and I was to pay the price for that.


	11. Chapter 11

My brothers grip on my arm started to sting and I could feel his finger nails break my skin, but I knew better than to speak right now. As he pulled me along the corridor, slaves bowed and shrunk back knowing it was not their place to intervene. When we passed my brothers bedchamber I let go of my breath and felt a little less fearful of what might happen. Without warning my brother stopped and let go of my arm, I looked down at it to see blood appearing through the soft silk of my dress, so must for just little cuts into my skin. I looked up at my brother and bulked at the dark and thunderous look on his face as if Jupiter was reflected in his features. He was facing the large atrium that all our rooms looked out on and I could hear the song birds sing and smell the jasmine in the soft afternoon air. The garden looked peaceful and calm in the soft summer sun a stark contrast to the tension and emotion radiating from my brother. I felt a soft breeze on my skin cooling me as I noted that the sun was lower in the sky and it was beginning to be come a comfortable temperature.

“Brother please what is wrong.” I could hear words leave my mouth but I had no idea how, as I was struggling to think of my next move. Part of me wanted to run the other half of me wanted to fight. I knew however, I had no option but to wait and bide my time and hope my brother did not force me to marry him, then it hit me and I realised that that had become my most obsessive thought and yet I had not desire to think on it. 

“Did you ever love me?” His voice was distance and soft almost dream like. But before I could answer he grabbed my arm again and pulled me through the large garden to the opposite side of the palace state rooms. I cried out in pain as his strong fingers cut into me again but Commodus did not stop and continued to pull me. We passed gardeners who fell to the ground not wanting to meet my brothers eye, no spoke not a sound I could hear. I tried my hardest to keep up with his long stride but my Stola kept catching between my legs causing me to stumble, making his fingers dig in to my arm even more. I could feel the blood now trickle down my arm causing it to be become itchy and sticky and I looked to see my bothers own hand covered with it. Commodus then stopped quickly and I fell into him and as I reached out to ease my fall my hand hit my brothers back. He turned in a an instant and caught me, his strong arms grabbing at me about my waist as he half carried me over to a bench on the edge of the atrium. He sat me down and knelt before me, I looked down at my arm again and saw the blood had soaked through my Stola sleeve causing it to clot. I dared not lift my sleeve for fear of starting the flow again. My brother reached up and gently ran his bloodied fingers over the sleeve, I looked a his face to see if I could see a flicker of remorse but all I saw was wonderment as if the sight of my blood was something sacred.

“I am sorry Lucilla I had not meant to hurt you.” He continued to stroke my arm causing it to sting and I made an involuntary movement. 

“Brother I need to go and clean myself up.” I went to stand but my bother suddenly stood and placed his hands on my shoulders, forcing me to sit down again. 

“No I want you with me this evening. You shall not leave my sight.”

“Brother please, let me change and I shall return to you.” My voice soft and calm. 

“I said no.” Commodus hissed his voice full of venom. 

I looked down at my hands on my lap in reserved hopelessness and took deep breaths trying to think on something I could say to change his mind. I closed my eyes and took in the sounds of the garden, a garden I had known my whole life. I had played here with my brother, laughing and screaming, our little games irritating the palace staff. The sounds and smells bringing back beautiful and happy memories of my mother carrying my brother around the garden as a babe. I thought of an instant how funny it was that she kept her son so close to her, breaking all protocol and of years of palace tradition and yet I followed it and kept my son at a distance, maybe I always knew that I needed to keep my son safe. Had her death caused me to become cold and unfeeling? I then snapped back at the sound of my mothers voice calling for me, it was soft and quiet, humble and calm. After what seemed like a few blissful moments of calm I felt my brother run his hands down my arms. I kept my eyes closed for fear of what I would see. I then felt my right hand lifted and placed on a head of hair, my brothers hair. My hands started to feel his soft curls, shorter than before we entered Roma but still not as short as the fashion and I could not help wonder why he still wore his hair like a child. It then dawned on me that maybe that was it, he wanted to stay a child and yet craved the adulation of being grown. I opened my eyes to see my brother kneeling before me once more his head resting on my lap and left hand. I continued to play with his hair, twisting his curls around my fingers and started to hum a tune, his favourite tune as a child. As the playful little ditty passed my lips I looked up to see the slaves still working in the garden, I caught the eye of one of them and made a gesture which they thankfully took as for them to leave. I knew that even if they where there they would not come to my aid if my brother decided to lash out. At least this way they might not gossip so much and cause themselves to be in danger. Soon the garden was empty apart from my brother and myself and I hummed louder as I continued to run my hand over his hair. As I did so I felt his body begin to shake and it dawned on me that he was crying. It has been years since I had seen my brother cry and I felt a pang of pity for him.

I knew this was my time to bring him back and calm him down. To remind him of how we were as children and how happy he was before our father came home and ruined both our lives. It might not work and I knew my life and that of my son was hanging on the fine thread of the fates but I needed to try something. 

“Commodus remember when we were but children and you use to run around this garden when mother would allow?” 

I kept my voice soft and almost sing song like. How it was before, before I became the hard statue of marble I was today. I kept telling myself in my mind that he was nothing but a child and all children could be manipulated. The then felt an ice dagger in my heart and the words of Maximus finally hit home. “You always had a talent for survival”. 

“Yes.” Came a slightly inaudible answer, with a slight head shake. It was enough however to break me out of my painful reverie. I swallowed hard and continued to talk to my brother.

“Remember how she would laugh at us and clap her hands and you would beg for me to lift you and swing you around?”

“I remember Lucilla. I remember.” This time his voice was stronger but still muffled by the sobs. He turned his head to look up at me and I gasped at how child like he now looked as his eyes were red from the crying, his cheeks soaked with his tears. I removed my hand from his hair and ran my thumb over his tear sodden face.

“You seemed so happy then, so very happy.” I continued to look at him, looking at him directly in the eyes. I knew it could have been the end of my life if he so wished it, but I needed to reach him somehow and find the source of his pain. 

“I was happy, you and Max......” Commodus stopped himself, sinking his head back down on to my lap his hands grabbing at mine like some lost child. I bit my lip trying to stop myself crying at the mention of Maximus. 

“Commodus please tell me what is happening”. I had hoped I had not gone to far, but I was met with a wall of silence and bile settled in my throat making me want to gag. Then after what seemed like an eternity my brother spoke his voice but a whisper, his breathing heavy and his words saturated with sorrow.

“Father happened, Father came home and I...and I could not be the son he wanted, he wanted a scholar, I was not wise, not in the way he wanted, but he forgot I was a child, He told me I had not the virtues of a ruler, his four virtues. After he sent away Maximus, after mother left us, I had only you and I wanted him, I wanted him to be a father to me. I wanted Maximus to stay to look after me. He sent you all away.” He began to sob again and knelt up pushing his head against my stomach. I had no desire to cradle him but I had no choice and gently rocked him as I hushed softly trying to calm him. 

“Brother please, do not let our fathers failure rule your own judgement. You were happy once and you can be again.” I was brought to a sudden halt as Commodus arms grabbed at my thighs and his head snapped up from my lap. 

“I can only be happy with you now. Do you love me?” I looked into his eyes, his words rushed as if he was begging. I wanted to see a boy, a scared boy, but all I saw was a harsh lustful burning as if his eyes had been turned into pits of fire.

“Yes I love you Brother.” I tried once again to signify our sibling relationship. His face searched mine and he then slowly sank back to the ground resting his head again back on my lap. I could not help but think that we had only been in Roma a day and already I was fighting to hold on to my life. I was exhausted, oh so exhausted and scared. I knew I could not save my brother, I had no desire too, he would die either by my own hand or that of another but I could not stop thinking of the boy I once knew the boy before all the pain. 

“Why did she have to die?” I quickly looked down, confused by the statement. It then dawned on me that he meant our mother. I gently shook my head to try and make it clearer, the exhaustion I was feeling finally causing me to become slow in my thinking. 

“The Gods saw it fit to take her to Elysium Commodus. It was her time.” It was a lie and I knew it as the Gods had not taken her willingly. My mother Lucilla Aurelius who I was named after had suffered for years with poor health. No one could say what was wrong and it was believed a growth had taken hold of her womb causing her to look like she was with babe and yet none came. She had refused all treatment suggested by the doctors and refused to go to the temple to ask the Gods for an answer. She had given up on life and not even us, her children could pull her away from death. Slowly, oh ever so slowly over the first five years of my brothers life my mother faded and then one day she never woke. I was surprised that my brother remembered her but I always knew there was something different about him. He felt too deeply and it must have been those emotions that reminded him of mother. I had of course after her death talked about her to Commodus and he must have felt a strong bond with her. 

“The gods only seem fit to cause me pain. I wanted her to stay she would have made sure he was not sent away.” I knew Commodus was talking about Maximus again. I could not help but think he was doing it to cause me pain , in some twisted childish game but something about his voice made me wonder if he even knew what he was doing or saying. It was almost as if the last few months had never happened. 

“You changed the day he left, I remember you would not play with me. You just cried and walked around your head in a book.” 

“Commodus you were only three how could you remember, please let us talk of the good times.”

“I remember everything clearly as if I am seeing it for the first time.” My bother snapped, his hands grabbing at my thighs causing me to shift my weight. My hands automagically grabbing the edge of the bench to stop myself from standing.

“Father sent him away that very day and ordered you to stay in your room for a week. I was not allowed to see you and I spent my days on mothers bed whilst she rested. She would read to me and I kept asking her why. All mother said is that we would not see Maximus again. She was sad,you were sad and I was left alone. No one would play with me.” 

“Brother please it was a long time ago. Things got better did they not. I looked after you well, we had days filled with wonder and play I recall.” I wanted my brother to express how he felt but I could not bare him talking about Maximus, talk about how he missed him like his death was not his own causing.

“I remember one day I came out to the garden I was five and you were sat in this spot. The sun was warm, a spring sun and you were at needlepoint. I walked over to you, you were wearing a light blue Stola your hair covered by the veil but the sun was hitting your face. Mother had not long passed and father never came home to say goodbye to her. You saw me and picked me up cradling me. You kissed my face and played with my hair. You told me you loved me and that you would never leave me”.

I looked around the garden trying to focus my sight on something other than my brother in the hopes he would not see the distress in my face. I felt him move and rub his face into my lap like a child would. 

“We sat like that for hours and the slaves had to bring our food out to us. Julian the old fat Palace Head of house, came running in scolding us for not using the dining room. Flavia threw a tart at him and we then started to throw food everywhere. We laughed so much, we ran and laugh and you became happy once more.”

“But you did not brother, did you? You were not happy.”

“No Lucilla I could not be, I lost everyone bar you and I knew one day you would leave me too, that father would marry you off.” His eyes became pools of black once one

“Commodus, you can not control life this way. People will leave us weather through war like my husband or through old age or misfortune like mother and Max...” I stopped myself from completing the sentence and swallowed once more. “All you can do is be kind and loving and hope that the ones you love will bring joy to your life even for the briefest of moments.”

“No, No, I cant not believe that.” Commodus stood quickly and started to pace the garden in front of me. I watched him with fear in my heart, but my face only showing love like he wanted. 

“Commodus please you can not control the Gods, you can not tell them who to take and when!”

“Why not, I am the voice of the Gods after all, the talk through me and they gave me divine right to rule over the people. I am the Father of Rome!” 

“Commodus you are my brother and I love you, but you can not control the Gods.” I looked up at him pleading. 

“Lucilla I.......I....”. He turned to me his face defiant and strong, his eyes burning once more.

“Annia Lucilla, I am the Emperor of Rome and the Gods will listen to me. I will bring them a vision of Roma they have never seen, the Games will show that, the Games will show how strong I am. The Gods will fear me.” I stood to face him and reached out to try and hold him, but he pushed my hands down and stormed off. I fell back down on the bench and grabbed my stomach trying to hold the bile down. I felt dizzy and faint and breathed deeply, I had not even notice Flavia running towards me and sitting beside me, holding me. 

“All is well Domina, it is okay. You are safe, come, come to your room.” I felt as if I was gilding as I was lead through the garden. We reach my room and I was sat down on a couch, the table in front of me was set with food and wine, the sight of it turned my stomach. 

“Domina drink this. Please drink up.” I did as I was told and almost chocked on the salty liquid. But soon I felt at ease once more. 

“Domina I was watching, hiding in the shade, I heard all. I remember happier times. We can have those again, just not with him.”

I looked up at my servant and shook my head. 

“Watch what you say Flavia. The walls now have ears, to speak as such will cause the death of us all.” My servant picked up a wine glass and filled it, she passed it to me and then sat down.

“Domina I have known you my whole life, I have been with you through all, I will continue to protect you. But we need a plan.”

I looked up at my servant and smiled. It had become apparent to me that this one woman who had no choice but to serve me was in fact the only person in the palace who cared for me bar my son. I had not seen it before, but now I knew I must think of a way to escape this madness and with her help I knew I could.

“We will attend the games and then we will escape. One hundred days to plan, One hundred days to make sure everything is in place. We must be guarded, we can trust no one but ourselves. We must make sure each part is planned and thought out.” I looked up at the ceiling of my room trying to think of how we could do this and then I looked back over at my son, who was asleep on my bed.

“We will only speak of this when I am at toilet in the mornings and at night. That is the only time we will be completely alone. Do you understand?” I looked back at her, making sure she saw the determination in my eyes. 

Flavia nodded and looked over at my bed, I followed her gaze and my eyes fell on my sleeping son once more. 

“For you and for him Domina I would fight the whole palace, I would give my life.” She looked directly at me, lighting in her eyes and I knew that I could keep fighting, I knew I could escape my brother.


	12. Chapter 12

I woke to find it was still dark as I rolled over on to my back and I wiped a hand over my brow bring it away to find it wet with sweat, a result of a fitful sleep. Gently I sat up and let the silk sheets fall from my body, the gentle breeze which was stirring the room a welcomed feeling. I looked over to the doorway and in the gloom of the lamps I could see Flavia and saw that she was still looking out, she had not heard to me raise and I watched her a moment as she continued her attentive guard. I pang of guilt hit my heart and I knew I must think of another way to keep myself safe at night, she could not stay up all night, every night. I sat for a while enjoying the calm and quiet. Lucius had decided he wanted to sleep in his new room for the night and I had kissed him good night and lay on my bed after supper, day dreaming. I loved to have my son around me but I need to be a lone if I was to think on my next move.

It had been four days since we re-entered Roma and after two days of sheer terror, the Palace had calmed down into a fitful routine. My brother had locked himself away in my fathers library and refused any audience. We had all hoped that this would last weeks or even a month before the Games would start and we all felt a small sense of peace without my brother pacing the halls.

I shook my head at the imagines of my brother storming the halls, a ball on thunder and hatred and sighed a little as I made a move to get out of bed. A light silk gown had been left on the chair next to my night stand and I picked it up and threw it over my body, shivering at the coolness on my skin. I looked over to Flavia, she was still looking out at the corridor so I turned and walked towards the balcony that had been the highlight of this old room. My mothers old room, the thought of her hit me quickly and I stopped and rested against one of the balcony pillars to steady myself. It was then that I realised that my mother had died in this room. How many imperial mothers had died here? Was I to be one? To die in child birth by my brothers hand? I went dizzy at the thought and threw myself towards the edge of the balcony and took deep breaths of the cool night air in the hopes I would hold my nerve. I had been strong all my life never letting anything trouble me, but recent events had shook me to the core and I needed to become stronger once more if I was to survive.

The night was quiet, too quiet I noticed and I could not even hear the street boys and gangs call out. Why could I not hear the normal din of Roma? It then dawned on me that my brother must have declared Martial law and instructed the Praetorian guard to petrol the streets. All of them, even the temple streets were clear of people and beast. It was a surreal sight and I felt as if my own isolation had spilled out over Roma like a sickness, a large creeping shadow reaching out into all of her, enveloping all, sucking the life out of this great city. I looked down, tens of feet below me as I sat high in our Palace on the Palentine Hill. The torch lights looked like stars and threw odd shapes on buildings, making them look disjointed and broken. Was this an omen? Would Roma burn so my brother could rebuild his vision? I could just make out the petrol's walking around the streets in cohorts. So many men but why? I turned shaking my head to have my eyes fall on the Flavian Amphitheater. It was my brothers play ground, the place he frequented the most and I tilted my head as I tried to make out all the gods in the alcoves facing me. I wondered which gods would hear my prayers if I took courage to speak to them.

After a short while I gently sat on the edge of the balcony wall and brought my knees up to my chin and I cradled my legs. I let my fingers run over the leaves and stone work below me which had not changed much since my mother last sat here to break her fast of the morn. I smiled softly to myself at her memory and played with my hair that was flowing around my shoulders. One hundred days I thought, one hundred days and I shall be free. I twisted my hair around and around my fingers as I looked down on the streets. Even the air smelt better, not the acrid stench which made me burn incense to make the air palatable. It was sweeter and fresh as if it was mocking my inner turmoil. I looked up at the dark inky blue sky and at the stars bright and shining over me, I wondered if my father could see what was becoming of his dream, how all his hopes for a republic had been destroyed. I rested my head back on the cool marble of the column behind me and rolled my head from side to side as I closed my eyes and hummed my mothers favourite song. I got lost in my memories of her, her smile, her laugh, her beauty.

_“Annia child what are you doing?” I looked up to see my mother reclining in her bed as I bounced around with Commodus on my hip his head resting on my shoulder as he sucked his thumb._

_“Mother I thought you to be at rest. I had not mean to wake you. Commodus would not calm or leave your side, the nurse maid could not rest him.”_

_“Annia it is of no consequence. Come here child.” She held out a shaky hand and I walked towards her. My brother softly sleeping on my shoulder. As I reached her she ran her hand down my arm and smiled at me. I shifted my brothers weight and sat on the edge of the bed so mother could see and touch us both._

_I knew a few days before that she would not be with us much longer. I had written to father to come home, but I had not received any word. Instead I spent all my hours with her, tending to her and my brother, as the household prepared for her passing. She ran her shaky cold hand over my hair and brushed my brothers cheek gently. The air was sickly sweet with incense and herbs but it could not mask the smell of death coming from my mother. I was old enough to know what was going on and it was now my position to look after the household. I could hear Flavia my ladies maid running around busying herself with tasks and I waved a hand to signify I wanted her to leave. She was a girl of only 14, but she already knew how to help me and my mother in all ways._

_“Annia, I will take my sleep tonight.” I bulked at her tone and looked over to her with tears in my eyes._

_“Mother please do not talk of such things, you will be well again. You will see.” It was a silly childish fantasy. Despite my positions in the Palace I was still a child with childish thoughts._

_“Annia Lucilla please do not do this. I am tired child, you must let me go to our ancestors.” I started to cry and rocked Commodus gently as my mother stroked my hair. After a while I stood and turned, lifting Commodus from my hip and I gently laid his soft fat body next to my mother so she could cradle him one last time. I watched as she cooed and smiled as my brother curled up into my mothers side. She looked so happy to see her son so at rest, I continued to watch as I climbed onto the bed and reclined next to my brother. I ran my own hand over his hair and played with his soft curls._

_I woke to find my mother cold and my brother crying._

_“She not waking... not waking...why?” My brother was sobbing and shaking our mother, he was struggling to find the words he needed and I picked my young brother and cradled him._

_“Hush now Commodus, hush. She is with the Gods now and at peace.” I kissed my mother on the forehead and stood as her ladies maid came running to her side. I stood holding on to my brother tight as Cassia sobbed and rocked holding my mothers hand._

_I slowly turned and left the room to a chorus of weeping and howling. The place was now in mourning and the out pouring of grief would last for weeks as my mother was well loved. I walked into the Atrium my brother sobbing softly into my shoulder, his tears making my dress stick to my skin. I walked to the furthermost end of the garden away from the servants who had filled my mothers room and sat on a stone bench. I lifted my brother and sat him on my knee rocking him. Soon the crying stopped and I breathed deeply myself as I wiped the last tear from my eye. We sat there for what seemed like hours, holding each other. My brother struggling to say how he was feeling and myself feeling my heart turning to stone. I pushed him away from me and he sat looking at me as I raised my hands and started to take the pins out of my hair. Soft curls started to fall around my face and Commodus looked at me with a quizzical look on his face._

_“We are in mourning my dearest, I must wear my hair lose and wild.” Commodus bit his lower lip and tried not to cry as I took out the remainder of the pins._

_“Annia never leave, please...”_

_“No my love I will never leave you. I love you with all my heart and I will never leave your side.” I kissed his head and held him tighter._

I snapped my eyes open and hit my leg with force.

“You stupid woman, why think of such things. Why cannot never think of happy times.” I shouted out to myself over the quiet streets. Suddenly I heard footfalls and found Flavia by my side looking at me with a queer expression.

“You were never afraid of heights. But I do not think sitting so close to the edge is such a great idea when are so vexed.” She pulled at my arm and forced me to stand from the ledge of the balcony.

“Fine Flavia I shall sit on the couch like a good girl.” I laughed suddenly at the way I had talked to her and she smiled back shaking her head.

“Oh Domina what is becoming of you?” I leant in and kissed her cheek before sitting down on the couch reclining.

“I believe I am trying to find light in dark times Flavia. All I want is peace, but all I can think of is pain. I am slowly turning to stone and not even the gods can help me.” Flavia nodded her head to me with a sad understanding expression and left the balcony without another word. She knew I did not need her to speak her mind. We both thought the same, years and years of living side by side as Domina and servant had made a special bond akin to sisterhood and although she knew her place I could not help but feel affection for her.

I closed my eyes and smiled to myself and before long I fell back into a deep sleep.

_“Annia Annia...” I looked up to see my brother of seven years old running towards me as I sat on my couch reading._

_“Commodus will you please use the name I have now chosen, I am not a child any more.” I was now turning fifteen and the head of the household, and my brothers only companion. My brother ran into me hard knocking the air out of me as he hugged me tightly._

_“Sorry Lucilla sorry.” My brother pulled away and bounced on his toes looking pleased with himself. I shook my head and clutched my chest trying to catch my breath as he beamed at me._

_“Alright Commodus what is it, what have you done?” I placed my book down and smiled at him. He had grown so quickly, losing all the puppy fat and becoming a proper little man. He looked handsome in hos breeches and tunic of dark blue silk with gold trim. His long black curls bouncing with him. Commodus always the prankster was forever thinking of new ways to cause trouble in our home or have fun in some way._

_“Father is coming home!” I sat up with a start and grabbed my brother by the hands._

_“Are you sure, please do not jest in this brother.” I looked at him directly._

_“Lucilla I swear to you upon Fortunia, he is coming home in five days from now!” I stood and picked up my brother swinging him around laughing._

_“Oh Commodus what wonderful news.” I kissed my brother on the cheek and called for my Ladies maid Flavia._

_“Flavia prepare the household staff, the Emperor is returning.” She bobbed her head and left the room. I looked down and my brother and laughed. He grabbed me around the waist and hugged me deeply._

_“This, This will be wonderful.”_

_I pulled on his hand and we ran through the halls screaming and shouting, skipping and laughing. The servants dropping to the floor as we passed or tutting at our behaviour. We did not care, we where lost in the feeling of exaltation. Our father, who we had not seen in years was coming home and we could be a family again and not just two lost children trying to stumble their way through an adult world._

_Oh how very wrong we were, so very very wrong._


	13. Chapter 13

One month had passed since we had entered Rome to shouts and disdain. The looks of hatred my brother received from the plebs was beyond disturbing. I had been free from my brother since that time with only a few passing moments, where his mood darkened with every meeting. I had thought that maybe him killing our father was sending him mad, the guilt eating away at his soul; but I had to tell myself that it was a black soul long before he perform patricide. My brother had fallen and there was no going back. I fell into a Ladies routine of receiving visitors, attending banquets and talking to Senators about family policy. None knew that I was formulating a plan to escape and head for some unknown location where I had hoped no one would find me. I had little time to think on my plan however and I scolded myself; I was running out of time and my responsibility as a Royal was distracting me and causing me to falter. 

I leaned back om my chair after finishing another correspondence blinking quickly, my eyes sore and tired. The sun was high in the sky and I came to realise I had been writing for hours; the letters I was so intently answering were littered around me and had spilled down on to the cold marble floor. I looked at the sun as it played on the papyrus and wax tablets on my desk, causing beautiful and disjointed patterns on my hands.

“Domina will you eat now?” I turned in my chair and rested my arm and head on the back plate. I reclined my head and smiled at Flavia who was carrying a tray to a table that sat in the center of the anti room of my chambers. She was dressed in a dark green cotton stola and I noticed that she wore her hair down today and it framed her face making her look younger than her years. 

“What time is it?”

“Noon my lady, you have been writing since day break. I thought the gods must had possessed you. I am glad you have stopped.” She smiled sweetly with a look of relief.

“Ha no fear Flavia”, I laughed quickly. “I am well, just finding it hard to concentrate on my correspondence and responsibilities when all I want to do is run.” I closed my eyes and yawned deeply. I rubbed my eyes and blinked again shaking my head as I did so causing my earrings to chime.

Flavia stood up from placing the tray on the gold and silver table and walked to stand close to me, her face pale and drawn.

“Domina, His highness has left the library. I have heard from his Steward this morning that he is now in his bedroom writing. Be warned that he might now be wanting your attention.” Flavia returned to the tray and picked up a sliver cup pouring out some rich red wine. She held it out to me and I smiled at her.

“You will now sleep in my bed.” I commented without emotion. I stood and slowly walked over to my maid and reached for the cup. My sandals made a patter patter sound which echoed around my bedroom.

“Is that wise?” Flavia snatched the cup away from me giving me a quizzical look.

“Please do not question my orders Flavia. You can not keep watch like you have been any longer. You are tired and will be of no use to me if you dropped dead.” I half smirked and half frowned.

I snatched the cup from her hand a little to aggressively and drained it in one go. A little wine dripped from my lip and I brought a finger up to wipe it away. As I brought my hand down I looked at my finger. The wine was a deep maroon red which looked liked blood and I was transfixed for a while watching the liquid drip from my finger.

“Domina I did not mean to question your orders I am just worried it will not stop him.” She replied with sadness in her soft voice. Her hands nervously fiddling the bindings of her stola.

“What?” I was so intently staring at the wine on my finger that I was not really listening to the woman in front of me.

“Domina, I am worried that me sleeping in your bed will not stop your brother. After all I am a slave and he will do what he wants whether I am here or not.” Flavia slowly sat down as the weight of her words weighed heavily on her soul. 

I looked down at her and placed my cup on the table as I sat down also. I looked around my room for a short while trying to think of a way to answer her. She was right but I needed her around me. I turned back to my maid and smiled at her to try and put her at ease.

“You will stay in my bed and we will think of a way to keep him at bay.” I nodded towards my fine gold cup and quickly Flavia leaned forward to fill it once more. She sighed deeply and stood as she poured the wine. 

“Please eat Domina, I will run our errands now. Lucius is with his tutor, so you have a free noon. Please rest and I will be back before nightfall.” She dipped her head to me before turning to my desk to retrieve all she needed to carry out my weekly tasks. 

“Flavia? Tomorrow we shall go to the markets, it will do us well to leave these walls. See to the arrangements. Go with the gods.” I lifted the light gold cup to my lips and took a slower sip of the rich wine. Flavia curtsied and quickly left with an arm full of letters and gifts I had selected for a few of the senators wives who were coming into a birthing. 

“All to myself, everything to myself. If only that was true.” I sighed to the empty room. And turned my reclined head to watch the window silks dancing in the light breeze.

“Dearest sister I fear you are going mad. Only the mad talk to themselves.” I sat suddenly upright and quickly placed my cup down at the sound of my brothers childish voice. 

“Commodus I did not hear you enter.” Fear flashed across my face at the thought that he may have heard my private conversations. “Please sit and sup with me, I fear I have been writing and forgot to have my lunch. Have you eaten?” I blurted nervously as I went to pour my brother a cup of wine. 

“Lucilla I came to ask you a favour.” I watched as my brother pulled a chair around to sit closer to me and placed the cup down unfilled. I could smell his sweet perfume and noticed he had cut his hair even shorter than before, his soft boyish curls now oiled and more adult. He looked around the room and smiled and I wondered what he was thinking as I leaned back on my chair trying to look relaxed. “Lucilla will you accompany me to a trusted advisers dinner tonight.” He took my hand and smiled sweetly. I looked into his eyes and saw no malice, just the boy I once knew. I was taken aback by the request and smiled at him.

“Why brother a party, how wonderful. This adviser must be very special to you to gift him such an honour as to go to his home.” My brother suddenly jumped up quickly slamming his cup down on the small table causing me to jump and stalked towards the windows in my room, the soft silk drapes wrapping themselves around his bare calves. The sun shone down on his face and I saw him squinting hard reminding me of how he use to that when he was a teenager, riding around the parade ground his face creased in concentration. As I continued to calm my nerves at his out burst I continued to watch him. He was wearing a black simple tunic and black short trousers. The silk of both were trimmed in gold and it gave him the look of a living statue.

“We will have the party here, I fear...” He turned towards me and gave me a sad smile as he struggled to finish his sentence. I stood and took a step towards him but before I could reach him, he stalked out of the room only to stop at the door to tell me to wear a blue silk stola with golden accessories. I nodded and bit down on my lip with worry, all the hope I just had in that fleeting moment had gone, my brother was getting more paranoid as the weeks rolled passed and that meant he would seek comfort from me. 

Comfort I was not willing to give him. 

I walked towards my robe chest and looked through my silks, my shoulders feeling heavy with sadness and burden. My body suddenly feeling old and tired.


	14. Chapter 14

" _Lucilla.. Lucilla he is here! Sister come watch”! I saw my brother running towards me as I was sitting in a small garden near my private baths. I had hoped to be alone as I was feeling my moon flow coming and my stomach ached._

_“Commodus I am not suited for going anywhere this is the time for my weekly confinement.” Commodus looked at me oddly and then went white. “How do you do you bleed so without dying?” I laughed and kissed my young brother on his cheek. Although he knew of the ways of women having been tutored by me, he could not understand it. I had taught my brother in the hopes it would make him a better more comforting husband once his time came. The best man he could be unlike our father._

_“It is a skill beyond men my love.”_

_He grabbed my hand and laughed loudly. His hand felt warm and familiar in mine and I gave it a little squeeze._

_“But you are not in flow right now, come before you do, Maximus has a new horse and you must see them both, please!” Maximus had come back from his exile and was staying in the guest quarters of the royal palace, whilst he was on secondment with the Praetorian guard. My father was absent again so that meant Commodus and I could see Maximus when we wanted without risking beatings as long as he did not find out from any of our slaves and staff._

_“If father finds out we are talking to him we will not be able to sit for a week my dearest.” Commodus laughed and pulled at my arm. “Come now...please. Please Lucilla come, he would want to see you. Please”. I could not deny his pleading any more and stood and let him guide me to the parade ground on the palace grounds. It was small but had enough space for my brother and Maximus to practice riding. The sun shone in the morning sky making the marble columns and walls sparkled._

_We both walked quickly along the marble hallways and I could hear the light pitter patter of our sandals on the floor. My brother was growing quickly and was now ten years old. How time had flown and it worried me that the gods wished to take such precious moments from me, I had no desire to lose my brother to puberty, mood swings and marriage. I wanted our childhood to last for ever, safe happy and alone, just him and me. Commodus let go of my hand and ran down the steps to a trotting Maximus. I stood at the top of the steps and took in the sight of my beloved astride on his horse. His body strong and sitting tall but a sadness hit me as I continued to watch the scene before me as I knew I wanted him, as at fifteen I was still a maid and wondered why my father was waiting to betroth me. But still my father would not allow a marriage to Maximus either, I wrote letters pleading with my father, but I never heard anything in return._

_I descended the shallow sweeping steps and stopped at the bottom, sitting down the cool marble making the skin on my legs and buttocks tingle. No one was watching us so I felt I could act like a child for a while and not the princess and head of household that I was, it did not occur to me that Commodus had ordered his personal guards to keep everyone away so we could all socialise in private. I watched Maximus trot around the square on a beautiful chestnut stallion. I realised it must be Spanish, brought back from one of his campaigns with my fathers army. The beast was beautiful and its skin glistened in the sun making it look like it was beset with stars.  As he turned a corner and began to face us, Maximus caught sight of my brother and smiled, waving happily. It had been nearly three years since we saw him last and he had not changed. Apart from his face, it was then I realised he had grown a beard. It looked dark and coarse but it suited him. He had come home to study and gain some experience from an old General a few years before, he had missed mothers funeral but it felt like our house was complete with him around. We had not seen much of him then as he was diligent with his studies and sadly Father had called for him after a few months and once again Commodus and I were alone._

_Then he looked at me and his smile broadened. I blushed and looked down at my lap, my hands fiddling with my silk bindings. What would be think of me now. A grown woman, I wondered if I would be as tall as him now? I knew I had my mothers stature and I towered over my peers._

_“Annia you look beautiful”_

_I looked up with a start to see Maximus standing in front of me.  I was so caught up in staring at my silks wraps that I had not even heard him getting off his horse and walking to be directly in front of me. I looked over at my brother who was stroking and the horse, cooing to it as a guard provided the horse with water. I turned my head back but continued to look at the floor._

_“And you look old and it is Lucilla now”_

_Maximus laughed and held out his hand, I took it in mine and stood. I looked up from the ground and came face to face with the man I was so in love with. I saw a flash of something in his eyes and he continued to smile broadly._

_“So you finally grew up, it took you long enough.” He lent in and kissed me on my forehead his arm reaching around me waist pulling me closer. I suddenly felt hot and I leant into him, his sent musky and of horse._

_“Lucilla!”_

_I stepped back at the shock in my brothers voice and giggled._

_“Yes brother?”_

_“Maximus is here for me! Not for you, I wrote the letter!”_

_I smiled and winked at my brother as Maximus reluctantly let go of me and walked over to the horse and my brother. Maximus bowed deeply._

_“So your majesty what shall we do with my time? Ride? Fight? Game?” Maximus stood and turned to my brother as he ruffled his soft black curls. A light breeze hit me and made my hair dance and I quickly tucked a stray strand behind my ear, completely aware suddenly that I was not dressed correctly to receive visitors even if it was Maximus. My hair was down and wild, my natural curls untamed. I was also wearing a simple cotton stola with ivory buttons on the sleeves. I looked like a peasant in a place with so much opulence._

_“Dine with us first and tell me all about your campaign with father.”_

_My brother bounced on his toes in excitement to have a man who was closer to him than his own father. It was nice to see him smile so much, his demeanour had changed so much after our mothers death and I was worried for him. But with Maximus arrival a change had swept through our home._

“My Lady dinner has been called.”

I looked at the slave and smiled my thanks before turning back to the polished bronze hand mirror I was holding up in front of me. Without Flavia here to dress me I had to make do with the other slaves, they had done a good job, even if it was a little rough. I looked into the mirror once more and gave myself a sad smile. I pinched my cheeks to make them redden a little and placed the mirror down on my table. I stood slowly and with a sick feeling left my room and made my way down the pillared corridor towards the formal dining hall. I could hear laughter, it sounded forced and I wondered who it belonged to. Taking a deep breath I turned the corner and entered the high ceiling red painted room. I stopped at the door and waited to be noticed. Almost at once the room fell silent and all the men in the room turned to me, the few women in attendance bowed their heads.

“Sister you look divine, the gods are weeping at your beauty.” I heard a cough and a giggle at my brothers words and he walked towards me full of smiles and boyish charm.

“Friends lets dine!”. My brother clapped his hands together and everyone took their places on the low sofas around tables filled with decorations and fruit.  

I laid down on a sofa to the right of my brother who was at the head of the table, to his left I saw his favourite Senator, Senator Giaus. The slim, small looking elderly senator with dark pools for eyes gave me sly smile as he raised his cup to me. I nodded back but refused to smile to such a dangerous looking man.

My eye contact was broken suddenly by a slave who put down a dish in front of me and filled up my glass with rich red wine and I forced myself to look at my brother. He looked tired and draw, pale and thin as if the weight of his crime was haunting him. I wanted to smile at his turmoil and yet all I could feel was regret.


End file.
